Category Archives: dignity

Surviving Trauma with ASD

My Story… My Life…

The Second Time My World Imploded into PTSD…

When I was 34, literally my entire world fell apart. I was so ill I couldn’t move and was in 24/7 agony from Fibromyalgia, and after 2 years of this illness and 10 years together, my partner snapped and she sent me home to live with my parents. Actually, she asked them to come and get me.

Just one random day. She stopped texting me. Then vanished. Never came home. I freaked the crap out. Turns out she went to her mums house. I had to track her down. And her step dad was a bitch to me on the phone.

Then she told me everything was done, we were done, and she wasn’t coming back until, I was packed up and ready to go.

My. World. Died. And. Ended. In. That. Moment.

She took the last remnants of things I had left — and I had already lost the career I loved and the data migration project I was just about to start. And destroyed them. Just one random day. Just like that.

It was nearly 4 years ago, this November it will be.

It was utterly sheer hell. I didn’t know if or how I was ever going to survive. I was delirious with agony and pain, screaming and blacking out from it every day, my parents were yelling at me, screaming at me, doing other bad things at me. I had several meltdowns per day. Everyday. The worst ever kinds. I used to come round to disaster and injuries I had no idea about constantly. It was horrendous…

It went on for years… I tried to OD twice. Was in an ambulance for it. It was a waking nightmare of exceptional proportions.

I don’t know how or why I am still here… But I am. And, frankly, I’m proud of myself for that.

And I survived long enough to get a very special person back in my life. And it’s in a better way this time too …. 🤔

So… I get it. I truly undoubtedly do.

And, also, that is how I know that others can survive this. Because I have, I do. We do. Cos we’re strong and kick ass and have to take far more than anyone could ever frikkin imagine. All. Day. Every. Day.

💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖
💝💝💝💝💝💝💝💝💝💝💝💝💝

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I not OK. *Got woken up by doggies barking wildly after terrible sleep & Nightmares*.

Few Clouds, 14°C

I not OK. Got woken up by doggies barking wildly after terrible sleep & Nightmares.

Feeling scared, vulnerable, dread. I don’t like any of this. This is how I felt when I had occocuses.

I miss my iPad. It was my friend. I talked to it, via this app or WordPress, or Dailyo. The Phone isn’t quite the same. That was Boo’s iPad. No other will be that. And now, I don’t even know what’s happening to it. Or what’s going to happen to it. I don’t like that either.

I’m in another Hell after yesterday. It was a big day and a long day. Now, I am suffering greatly for it, indeed… 😓😢🥺😖😳😟😣 I didn’t even get to have Squishes this morning, because Mam scared me. I got startled awake by the dogs, who kept on barking, an nobody was answering my Hangout texts. At least they answer the iMessages ones…

I got so scared, then the pain flared up into far too much, and then became No Touch. So, they threw that one out the window for me too… 🥺😖😟😣😢😢😢

So, now I hurt. In pain inside and out. My body and Feels really harming me 😢😢😢

My hand is irritating me now, too… (See pics). The feels are of burning and the scabs are flaking and are getting caught. I don’t want to take them off, in case I hurt myself without realising.

Also, the Right Shoulder is hurting me, and I’ve been scratching at it… Another one under way at all…? 🥺😟

Right now I am in agony and feeling Utterly Resentful at how much I am forced to rely on unreliable people for my basic needs and pain control. I am Vulnerable. Helpless. Reliant.

Needed Squishies from Mam and I got none.

Needed a shower yesterday to undo the pain I now have to endure instead, because no one has come to get me a usable shower yet.

There’s no Self Respect. No Dignity. There can be No Shame, otherwise you’die inside so very completely.

It takes nearly a day of morohine boosters to get me anywhere.

 

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Catheter Chaos • Boots Discrimination Discomfort…

Temp | 11°C

The Catheter just came out again…

It lasted only 6 Days, this time… 😳😔☹️

It’s so annoying, having to undo all the straps and sort through all the tubing, and whatnots, when disposing of a shoved-out Catheter.

Then there’s the Dragon of Disappointment, and all the other damn “emotions” and crushing, suffocating “feels” that go with it.

Certainly makes me more determined to get a good meeting out of the Suprapubic Pre-Op Hospital Appt. next week

Catheter tubing, leg bag & Night Bag
The Reality of the Indwelling Catheter

I really feel… horrible… Betrayed, almost, by the damned thing. Strange, but true!I thought I could at least make it through another month, but apparently not. My stomach is all knotted… I feel something… crushing, twisting, fiery, scratchy, bitter… upset…😢

I am not in the right space for this to happen along with everything else… 😖😖😖

I was miserable enough without this…


It’s been spasming all day. No doubt due to all the stress I’ve been under. Or… maybe more like I put me under… 🤨🤔… 😒😒😒

Between fearing the arduous and overwhelmed task of flipping the mattress, and the issues I’m having, now I’m arguing with Boots about whether or not people in wheelchairs should be treated better than naughty puppies, I’ve been in a lot of depressive misery today.

Boots made me feel small, pointless, miserable, undignified, insulted, belittled… Vulnerable… I’ve been in scared and sorrowful misery all day.

But then I got some balls and got going with sorting out the mattress, because there was No Way I was sounding another night like I had been, in that much pain. I’d had enough painful nights and nightmares, and last night was the final straw.


But I guess it was too little, too late, and the stress of all of it was too much…?

Either way… The bastard thing is out again. 😒😒😒😒😒😒

Catheter tubing & Night Bag
This is what it should be doing… As opposed to shoving itself out of me…🤨😒

#upset #frustration #fatigue #exhaustion #fibroplegia #dragondisappointment #irritated #sad #pain #dignity #suffocatingfeels #catheter #fibromyalgia #anxiety #aspie #healthcare #alexithymia #stressed #dismal #depression #resentment #helplessness #disabilityPowered by Journey Diary.


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