Category Archives: uncomfortable

October 01, 2019 3:47 pm

Glan Dulyn | 11°C

I talked to Mam. A lot. When she really puts her “Momee Hat” on, she manages to completely disassemble things that completely baffle and “Bewilder” (her word; a very good word…) into perspective, in a way that is so proficient and clear, I am able to file it away or use it in my own… Analyses. 

This time… It was BPD – but ALSO… She answered the biggest head-fuck of my life: The BEWILDERMENT, TORMENT and UTTER & COMPLETE MIND-FUCK of just how I went from My Life In London to… Well, THIS

And it ALL started — NOT JUST THAT — with… ASD.

Or rather, the lack of willing support, understanding, help, kindness, patience, and Diagnosis of it. NO ONE KNEW. 

 

And from the beginning… Basically…

 

I Was Born To Die.

To Suffer… 

To Be Tormented…

To Fail.

I. Never. Stood. A. Single. Chance. In. Hell…

 

The lack of everything I ever needed for ASD was NOT THERE.

 

Instead, I became more and more terrified, confused, befuddled… AND TRAUMATISED > THAT TRAUMA CREATED BPD, in a child who became terrified of Abandonment, of the Emotions that Erupted because of it that SHE DIDN’T — COULDN’T!! — EVER UNDERSTAND, of the confusion that NEVER EVER MADE ANY SENSE… This list keeps going on, and on, and ON…

I. WAS. ALWAYS. DOOMED. TO. FAILIURE.

And everything spiralled from there.

No one was able to stop my Nightmare Crucible from happening when I was a child.

There was no one there to tell me to go to the Docs to seek help before Pneumonia started… or to stop me from doing what I did afterwards whilst I had it.

I had to leave Finsbury Park and the only person who could & would have done that… 

There was no one there to help me in Leyton when I got sicker & sicker… The NE London Foundation Trust was just as sick as I was

There was no one to help me stop the BPD from taking over, the sicker and sicker I got, or to keep EDI Online… Because NO ONE HAD A GODDAMNED CLUE ABOUT EITHER OF THEM…

And so… There we go. Here we are. Biggest Question Now: What to do with said information? Obviously, it’s a new Filter, for nearly pretty much Everything to be processed through.

Processing the Data will take time… That’s a lot of crunching, even for a Supercomputer(!). I’m not Quite Quantum… Yet…(!)

#resentment #uncomfortable #personalinsights #trauma #uncertainty #scared #confused #overwhelmed #sad #mam #disassociation #illness #selfawareness #cptsd #pain #aggitated #panic #terrified #anguish #miserable #helplessness #exhaustion #waitingfordoom #upset #crushingfeels #disturbed #mixedfeels #independence #asd #depression #ptsd #imprisonedfeels #mentalhealth #disability #stressed #anxiety #selfcare #memories #inspiring #despairing #alexithymia #aspie #hypervigilance #bpd #skittish #distressed #caredfor #paranoid #drained #fatigue #vibratingscared #grief #chaos

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Changes…

 | 14°C |

Brain so traumatised flashbacks are so very easy to trigger… So many things inside my head, burning it, terrorising it.

Living with horrors, with so much actual real physical agony pain, the agony of emotions & Feels, I can’t help the Symptoms of Trauma coming back to haunt me… 😢😣😔

The  chaos, the “Landfill”, the lack of control, the despairing desperation of just things thrown on top of each other – simply because pain makes it too unbearable to sort it out or put things away properly… It’s everything I was… I don’t really think I am quite that anymore, and coming slowly out of it.

But still, things are yet to be available to me — like being able to move completely freely (within the confines that I have), to be able to manage to do things without paying in pain afterwards, to think clearly (for all “EDI” being here, powering “her” takes extreme effort and energy I quite often do not have at all, and when she whirrs up & powers on, to use herself automatically, the exhaustion and drained emptiness inside is more than Real), to physically do what are still quite demanding things… Despite being stronger, despite being without that level of pain, it’s still difficult. Draining. Demoralising. Downright Confusing.

All these things come with Feels I do not like, and certainly do not understand. None of this makes sense to me — and at least what I have found out recently has answered a lot of questions I had about this, so at least now, it’s a lot less scary for this to actually happen. If Still Not Just As Confusing

When you have Alexithymia and ASD, the strong and confusing Feels that come from having absolutely terrifying conditions run by high-rate emotions, is downright goddamned Terrifying

CPTSD triggers traumatic emotions, responses, reminders, Flashbacks, Fears, … All things that to someone who barely knows Feels even exist, is utterly, utterly bewildering, terrifying… & Out of my Depth, and WAY out of my Control

BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)… All the things I read in what that makes your brain do, is right there in me… And without knowing all of that — it’s been utterly, completely, mind-blowingly off-the-charts Confusing & White-Hot Terrifying

Now I know there are these… Gaps… inside me & my Brain, I realise that maybe, like Lolli keeping saying, I never will truly understand them… But at least now I know where the are coming from, which is a goddamned BIG DEAL. Like an Epiphany. Boo also said, when I showed her BPD, “Did you write this…?”, because it described everything that nothing else seemed to quite cover — the extent of my behaviour didn’t correlate with what was already “normal” for ASD.

Like the Alexithymia — ASD people have difficulty with Feels, but they figure it out. I never have, and Now I know that I never will. It’s a relief to know. It’s a relief to know about the others, too. There might be no changing their… “Quirks”However, there are plenty of ways to balance them out and manage them. Understand them.

It makes a Difference.

It makes All the Sodding Difference In The World

It’s just that… Right Now… I Just Have No Idea Where To Even Start With It

#aggitated #anxiety #dismal #confused #frustration #disturbed #asd #alexithymia #upset #bpd #distressed #trauma

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September 21, 2019 2:39 pm

4 Glandulyn | 23°C





I Still Can’t Quite Process This…

Borderline Personality Disorder

It is Imperative to know… However…

ASD, Alexithymia, perhaps even BDP Itself, disallows me to be able to manage to process anything about knowing it, understanding it, or thinking about progressively accepting & researching this…

Well… No there’s problem Accepting it… It explains everything OTT inside me that ASD just doesn’t do to that extent. Like the Alexithymia takes lack of emotional understanding to a whole new level. 

Disassociation. Extreme Fatigue. Confusion. Exhaustion. Traumatised & Demoralised. Therefore… No chance of processing something so big & shiny-new…

But… I guess it’s the same rules as ASD and the Lexi… These thing are an “is” — the symptoms, the effects, what it does to your brain… Then figure out “workarounds”… Right…?

The other thing is… Formal diagnosis or not? The ASD was mind-blowingly life-changing. But this…? When it’s a co-morbid secondary issue, I’m not sure if it’s really worth it. There’s nothing they can really do about it, is there…? Well, I mean, not for me… Specifically. Not in general. Other people can take the treatments listed. But I cannot. 

The information alone lone is worth more than anything else. Easier to fight or control an enemy you’re not only aware of, but know everything about. 

What to do… This is tough one. It should be a no-brainer… But after my life, my life-experiences? Decades of everything going wrong when it comes to these things… I’ve been burned so many times, inside I’m more like a crispy corpse. I’d have naught but scar tissue everywhere from the burns. I have no space left for more, now.

I’m kinda done with formal NHS Metal Health, now. Including this, possibly. Probably? It’s still a Question-Mark. Maybe it’s important to have. Or at least to know. For certain? But it’s a weird psychological issue again, and again another debated about everywhere. Not understood properly.

Might it bring more understanding, more relief, like the ASD one did? That there’s a “Name” for all this terrifying, horrific things inside me that lash out and terrify my ASD & Alexithymia more than half to death? 

I hate these questions. I hate that they even are questions. I used to know the answers before they were even posed. 

I’m not here. And I am terrified…

#uncomfortable #weird #personalinsights #asd #exhaustion #fatigue #anguish #researching #helplessness #sad #aggitated #drained #alexithymia #frustration #bpd #stressed #anxiety #disassociation #selfawareness #uncertainty #upset #disturbed #distressed #pictures #feels #confused #drowningfeels #suffocatingfeels #research #overwhelmed #panic #tmi

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Borderline Personality Curiosity…

| 23°C |

I Still Can’t Quite Process This…

Borderline Personality Disorder

It is Imperative to know… However…

ASDAlexithymia, perhaps even BDP Itself, disallows me to be able to manage to process anything about knowing it, understanding it, or thinking about progressively accepting & researching this…

Well… No there’s problem Accepting it… It explains everything OTT inside me that ASD just doesn’t do to that extent. Like the Alexithymia takes lack of emotional understanding to a whole new level. 

Disassociation. Extreme Fatigue. Confusion. Exhaustion. Traumatised & Demoralised. Therefore… No chance of processing something so big & shiny-new…

But… I guess it’s the same rules as ASD and the Lexi… These thing are an “is” — the symptoms, the effects, what it does to your brain… Then figure out “workarounds”… Right…?

The other thing is… Formal diagnosis or not? The ASD was mind-blowingly life-changing. But this…? When it’s a co-morbid secondary issue, I’m not sure if it’s really worth it. There’s nothing they can really do about it, is there…? Well, I mean, not for meSpecifically. Not in general. Other people can take the treatments listed. But I cannot. 

The information alone is worth more than anything else. Easier to fight or control an enemy you’re not only aware of, but know everything about. 

What to do… This is tough one. It should be a no-brainer… But after my life, my life-experiences? Decades of everything going wrong when it comes to these things… I’ve been burned so many times, inside I’m more like a crispy corpse. I’d have naught but scar tissue everywhere from the burns. I have no space left for more, now.

I’m kinda done with formal NHS Metal Health, now. Including this, possibly. Probably? It’s still a Question-Mark. Maybe it’s important to have. Or at least to know. For certain? But it’s a weird psychological issue again, and again another debated about everywhere. Not understood properly.

Might it bring more understanding, more relief, like the ASD one did? That there’s a “Name” for all this terrifying, horrific things inside me that lash out and terrify my ASD & Alexithymia more than half to death? 

I hate these questions. I hate that they even are questions. I used to know the answers before they were even posed. 

I’m not here. And I am terrified…

#research #panic #pictures #frustration #anguish #selfawareness #feels #personalinsights #suffocatingfeels #sad #drowningfeels #uncomfortable #uncertainty #drained #disturbed #upset #weird #asd #alexithymia #anxiety #overwhelmed #distressed #confused #disassociation #stressed #helplessness #exhaustion #researching #aggitated #fatigue #bpd #tmi

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