Category Archives: ASD

CBT for an Aspie…

I am in a fugue… A Haze… A Nightmarish Dream. It does not ever seem to get better… But – I do not think I can say anymore that I am doing everything I can about it.

Meaning…? I was thinking yesterday about why the past was always so present, why my mind seemed always to be there – when I had, in fact, spent a lot of time and effort getting “into” being HERE and embracing it.

But.. Then I realised that was Before the Ococcusses. It dawned on me that I was still tormented by it, disturbed, distraught… Traumatised. The Social Worker & OT Bitches, The Rosalind C**t, Then Frikin Screaming and Screaming and Screaming all day, everyday for goddamned WEEKS, before finally being dragged into hospital, only to find out I had not one but TWO deadly bacterial blood infections that could have killed me already.

And then… The Aftermath. I lost all everything entirely from the sternum down and became entirely reliant on my hands and arms in a way I hadn’t had to be before.

My shower at home was so unsuitable for me now, it was beyond dangerous for me to be in it. I spent nearly two years in goddamned Agony because I couldn’t have a shower to ease my Fibro, essentially ensuring that I was Room-bound and Housebound from then on.

I did nothing. Spent an absolute FORTUNE on hotels rooms at the Premier Inn & Travelodge to try and have sporadic showers, when the pain became FAR too much to bear. In the end requiring an extra 50% dose of Morphine in my meds 4x Per Day, over 2 doses, effectively having to take Morphine 8 times a bloody day for AGES (that stuff is disgusting, and it was entirely unnecessary). Then, the pain from the spasms and rock-hard spasmed muscles all over just became more than too much, bad enough that not even the Morphine could mask it much any longer. It was just unbearable, and moving became optional… and occasionally so did even Breathing

To say this was all beyond distressing, over a very long period of time, after having been discharged from hospital after a very close call, would be the Understatement of the Year. I had full-blown PTSD about this, As Well. As well as from being left undiagnosed and untreated, as well as from losing my job and my career, as well as being thrown here, from London, on Zero Notice. On top of what I’d had to endure as a child.

So… Now… I am left in this… Fucked Up Limbo of Hell. Me being here, stumbling over where I have somehow ended up, with all its confusing and terrifying turmoil… And on the other side… There’s my Mind, all the way in the past of 6 years ago, in Leyton, before this all happened. When I could still walk, had my career, my life, my home, my London…

I tried being Present & Accepting before… Then the Occocuses turned up and tsunami-ed absolutely everything away. Leaving nothing behind. Nothing…

I am starting all over again. But I cannot deal with that – that is far too much to deal with. I do not WANT to look around me and Really See what is going on here. I do Not Want to be like this, in this way – so Helpless Vulnerable


And Yet, Ironically…

Doing Just That… Would actually turn the tables on so much of that. To be Present, In Control, Pro-Active, Planning, Calculating, Being Within My Own Power & My Own Mind Palace… Wouldn’t that be an efficient and acceptable Patch Fix on what cannot otherwise be changed?

Core Code may be set in stone… but why put up with the severe glitches of the old & worn foundation, when a Patch Fix can be applied to compensate & help the program do what you need it to do?

You Just Would… Wouldn’t You…? 

This is… New Thinking. Just came into my head now. As I was writing. But… It makes more sense, doesn’t it? See, this is why I Just Hate Bloody “Feelings”. Emotions are such a waste of bloody time! They just confuse everything and get in the way of common logic. 

~ No wonder the NTs screw everything up all of the time…! ~ 

I am here. I have to be here. I have to try harder & Not Be Afraid of All Of This that’s going on.

Change is horrendous & frightening. Disaster… Well, that is mind-blowingly horrifying & Terrorising.

As if… The Server was hijacked and destroyed. Now… the arduous task of reclaiming and re-purposing it for something else. For more. For something that has to be done & rebuilt from scratch. But… It’s a Server. It’s hard work, grafting, with hard thinking & communication within the brain to face and solve difficult or troubling issues — Freezes. Crashes. Not Booting, or Rebooting…

But slowly, yet most assuredly, it’s rebuilt once again, then the systems and software are installed, then the data it holds is slowly put in. And eventually, the data held starts talking back, all of it fully installed and able to do whatever you tell it to do.

This is… Troubleshooting…! When did **I** not know how to sort out Troubleshooting…?!!??

I was the QA Queen – it was my job, my soul, to be the best at Troubleshooting. My Work, My Life, I saw a problem, and I went head on at it to fix it. Right now… I do not know where that person is…

But she’s seriously letting me down here at the moment.

#anguish #dentist #grief #exhaustion #fibroplegia #devestated #dragondisappointment #helplessness #drowningfeels #despairing #aggitated #frustration #concerned #crushingfeels #dismal #fatigue #distressed #drained #feels #fibromyalgia #disaster #asd #anxietyPowered by Journey Diary.

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The Shower Trauma

 | 14°C |

Eating Genius (GF) Blueberry muffin, pissed at the phones my poor best friend S currently has to put up with, wondering how long it’s going to take me to lose my rag with this UMIDIGI F1 that’s been somehow compromised… 

I had my shower. My body and mind feels better. It was difficult — I ended up in a rather bad sugar crash, and had to eat Toast, DF Cookies & Jacob’s Crackers. In the shower. It was Not Nice… 😖😞

When I got upstairs, I ended up fretting and being broken by the thought – the knowledge – that this didn’t have to have been like this for so goddamned long.

Afterwards, I also had to endure the inevitable subsequent Adrenaline push, making me quiver and shake as badly as the Sugar Low, Vexed & Anxiously Disgruntled by the time I got out and went upstairs.

Did you know that when I told Sophie that the Twat Fuckfaceheads that came to see me (Johanna & Donna – rat bastard C***s) had told me that if I decided I wanted to go on the list for a place of my own, that I could not have this place done up to be functional, she was astounded and told me it was UTTER BOLLOCKS…!! UTTER FUCKING BOLLOCKS!!

I hadn’t HAD to suffer! I hadn’t HAD to go through such Agony any Trauma as I had… and still had to.That this could all have been Avoided by someone who cared about taking pity on me and allowing me to have the shower room that I desperately needed so frikkin badly

I DIDN’T HAVE TO GO THROUGH ANY OF THIS AT ALL!!!!!!!

And what could I have DONE with access like this to a shower that would have cut my pain in HALF??!! The Escalation could have been STOPPED. Such ongoing TRAUMA & AGONY & HATE AVOIDED?????

HAVE I NOT BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH????? DID I REALLY NEED TO GO THROUGH EVEN MORE?????

NO MERCY!!!

NONE… AT. ALL.

I cried. Just a little bit. But. I. Cried. I never, ever cry (unless it’s Meltdown-Related). I do not cry when I am sad. This, though… This so Disgusted Me, Moved Me, Disturbed Me… I didn’t know what else my body could possibly do, when it did this…

… Inside, I am just Traumatised All Over Again. I honestly have another wave of PTSD about all of this, on top of, and Separate, from the rest. It makes me feel… Terror. Horror. Makes me want to physically vomit. The Fear. The Horror. The Sickening Suffering… 

I am DevastatedWrecked. Frustrated. Horrified. Traumatised. Destroyed. I could not describe it any more, or any better. These things are not easy to process in any way, shape, or form. 

Does anyone else feel sick now, too…?? 

Nearly Two Years – Two Frikkin Goddamned Years – Has Been Lost. I was 36 when the Occocuses Started. And I’m 38 1/2 when the Shower is Fitted. 

#dignity #agony #cellphones #crushingfeels #techspecs #disability #overwhelmed #drowningfeels #alexithymia #devestated #drained #dragondisappointment #food #occutherpist #miserable #phonetech #scared #tech #asd #headache #anxiety #exhaustion #anguish #paraesthesia #ptsd #eating #accessiblebathroom #confused #aggitated #ora #stressed #fatigue #despairing #hair #fibromyalgia #shower #angry #grief #painsomnia #phones #distressed #nhsdirect #showerchair #helplessnessPowered by Journey Diary.


Painsomnia

 | 15°C

Painsomnia… Aptly-Named...

 

For days… weeks(?)… I’ve been unable to say words in writing. My head aches at the mere thought of making sense of my Feels enough to attach actual words to them… 

Dailyos haven’t been filled in (will have to do them retrospectively… Somehow… Using this log…). Even this Journey Journal hasn’t been used for anything much more than a LogBook. 

I’ve found this to be a Notably Reliable Indicator of Depression. Not the bad kind… No. The Really, Really, Badly Fucked Up Kind.


What’s been happening over the past few weeks, along with the God-Awful bitter hopelessness of recent times, is ensuring my brain is being cemented into the Wonderland of my Mind… And it seems I am, once again, being packed up and flung down that Rabbit Hole, ready to be destroyed and torn to pieces all over again. 

Chaos. Fatigue. Exhaustion. Grief. Confusion. The inability to process complicated Emotional Feels. Not enough time to process Complex Emotional Feels. It all just builds up and up and up, until I’m so completely and entirely overwhelmed…

I am done in… Distressed. Frustrated. Overwhelmed. Frightened. Anxious. Wound Up. Agitated. 

I fear sleeping again. I’m not even sure if I know why…

I am am in such a physical mess… And not just the Fibro. Not being able to wash my body, or my hair, or engage in any proper self-care at all is heartbreaking. But it also has an actual knock-on affect in so many other ways, too. You cannwot get properly cleaned with wet wipes. You don’t get properly washed to prevent catheter infections. Taking all your clothes off properly means that heat rash, allergens, creams and oils, groom and backside areas get properly washed, rinsed and sluiced. 

I need to get some kind of grip on it… Quickly. Before it become next to impossible to wrangle The Beast back without an all-out war…

#anxiety #anguish #asd #aggitatedPowered by Journey Diary.


Surviving Trauma with ASD

My Story… My Life…

The Second Time My World Imploded into PTSD…

When I was 34, literally my entire world fell apart. I was so ill I couldn’t move and was in 24/7 agony from Fibromyalgia, and after 2 years of this illness and 10 years together, my partner snapped and she sent me home to live with my parents. Actually, she asked them to come and get me.

Just one random day. She stopped texting me. Then vanished. Never came home. I freaked the crap out. Turns out she went to her mums house. I had to track her down. And her step dad was a bitch to me on the phone.

Then she told me everything was done, we were done, and she wasn’t coming back until, I was packed up and ready to go.

My. World. Died. And. Ended. In. That. Moment.

She took the last remnants of things I had left — and I had already lost the career I loved and the data migration project I was just about to start. And destroyed them. Just one random day. Just like that.

It was nearly 4 years ago, this November it will be.

It was utterly sheer hell. I didn’t know if or how I was ever going to survive. I was delirious with agony and pain, screaming and blacking out from it every day, my parents were yelling at me, screaming at me, doing other bad things at me. I had several meltdowns per day. Everyday. The worst ever kinds. I used to come round to disaster and injuries I had no idea about constantly. It was horrendous…

It went on for years… I tried to OD twice. Was in an ambulance for it. It was a waking nightmare of exceptional proportions.

I don’t know how or why I am still here… But I am. And, frankly, I’m proud of myself for that.

And I survived long enough to get a very special person back in my life. And it’s in a better way this time too …. 🤔

So… I get it. I truly undoubtedly do.

And, also, that is how I know that others can survive this. Because I have, I do. We do. Cos we’re strong and kick ass and have to take far more than anyone could ever frikkin imagine. All. Day. Every. Day.

💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖
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(In Welsh)

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TMI

| 9°C |

Overwhelmed. TMI’d up to the hilt. My Mind has been blown to pieces… and then those pieces have been blown up too.

I can’t even… You know, I am buzzing on the inside… I mean literally, like every cell has its own TENS machine or Thumper Wand.

Too much everything. There’s no time to think. No time to wind down. There’s no time to Sleep – and they come with Nightmares anyways.

I’m blacking out – because All of This is just Too Damned Much. I am dying inside. I don’t want to know about any of this. The Pain is Ridiculous. The Emotional Turmoil is Overwhelming and Pathetic.

I need Space. Headspace. Peace – from the Chaos, the noise, the constant haranguing. Something always has to be done. Or noted. Or talked about. There’s always a Ping. There is always someone talking. Then there’s people walking in and out of my room, as they please, talking about stuff they could message me with.

Things keep happening and going very, very wrong… A continuous chaotic cacophony of Mind-Blowing, Brain-Breaking Stress, that just seems to never, ever end

Nothing goes right. Nothing goes easy. Nothing I do is *enough. And worse of all, is that I can’t stop other people from messing with my head, giving me Meltdowns, frightening me, Badly Shocking me, or breaking The Rules and Harming MeDestructive, Harmful, Destroying.

I haven’t stopped. I’ve been going, going, going, and haven’t even barely taken a breath for myself… Everything takes time away from me. There is no rest. There is no peace to steal. There is no respite. There is no Mercy

The Agony… The abundance of TMI… It has me blacking out into hallucinating unconsciousness; one that is uncomfortable and frightening.

Physically, I can’t move. Breathing is difficult. I am “imprisoned” in my Room again. I am Resentful, Frustrated, Hateful, Forced into this… The Agony is Unbearable.

These Feels are… Heavy… And I don’t like them. I only want them to go away.

#pain #chaos #drowningfeels #sensoryoverload #agony #despairing #stressed #drained #dragondisappointment #anxiety #asd #tmi #fatigue #helplessness #aggitated #exasperation #exhaustion #frustration

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OTT TMI Overload & In The Black Hole of Pending Meltdowns…

Costa | 23°C

In Costa again… Oh, Frikkin Gods.. What a Morning… 😩😖🤯😣😱☹️ ‼️

 

I have been through the ringer… Drained of everything and more that I have, and have ever had, inside… I’ve been pushed beyond what I am really capable of coping with, dealing with, managing…

S pointed out that, Regardless, I am still managing it, because I am not actually having a Meltdown.

That’s… fair. I’m not. But it’s WW3 inside me and it’s suffocating me… 😖😣 … crushing me…


It started with sleeping in. Until nearly 1pm…! 🤬😱🤯🥺

After the last few days, and some careful planning of the day, that was so entirely unacceptable!! 🥺😖😖😖 Dear Gods, we were supposed to be in the shopping centre by then!

It destroyed my insides… Wrecked them apart and tore them, like an IED went off inside… This is was the Dragon of Disappointment going bananas inside me, and burning everything that I had inside. I was done

Somehow, S soothed me enough to help me wrap some kind of shell around the devastation, and allow me to at least try and function. Slowly, I got dressed and even managed a little makeup (even if it wasn’t exactly… great).`


However, it was late when we got out. Around 2:30pm. It was so hard for me to process this. My reasoning was, in the main, that the extra sleep — for me, at least, — was utterly pointless, and a complete waste of time.

To my horror, I had inadvertently squandered precious time outside, to sticking to a good plan for a nice and relaxing day outside — and instead spent extra hours in bed sleeping.

I have Fibromyalgia, and the symptoms that are the basic foundation of Chronic Fatigue — there is no way in hell that any of my sleep was going to be helpful, restful, recuperating, or healing. So, any “lie in” was a complete and utter waste of time.


This bugs me so much… I try to work so hard to master this damned curse inflicted upon my mind and body… and yet, still, it manages to somehow get the better of me, when I am at my weakest, to wreck havoc with my mind.

The Dragon of Disappointment is mercilessFear and Cold Terror turns everything white and frozenPanic and Horror make everything explode like devastating fireworks in an oil rig — leaving nothing in its wake but ashes and embers and ruins

It all makes my Aspic/Autie brain hurt. It goes into hyperdrive, and then destroys itself completely, and then everything else along with it.

It turns it into a blabbering mess; a pile of burned ash, slushed into a soggy mess in the torrential downpour of the storms that harm it so greatly… Until there is nothing left, and I am naught but a shell of emptiness and a robot in Shutdown.

It might be marginally better, and less destructive… but only on the outside and to other peopleBut it is still a horrific and destructive and Traumatic thing to endure, nevertheless.

It leaves its mark. It leaves it deeply — because it is not flung out into the Nether, like things are in a Meltdown. The Meltdown blows its top, and violently expels everything that you find within it that has hurt and harmed it so much, it has done this.

A Shutdown, however, Implodes, scarring everything inside, blowing everything on the inside, causing the devastation there instead. Arguably, to me and my mental health, it is worse. And even worse than that… Nobody can see it


 

I’ve done nothing to deserve all of this.

I’ve bent over backwards, and all ways, to try and be good, try and contain myself under extremely stressful and frightening circumstances.

And yet… More just keeps coming. 😖😖😖

I think I am aware now that it will probably Never End… But this Warrior is tired… Needs a little R&R from this… war of ill-health — of a broken body, a broken mind, and a broken spirit…

 

#scared #helplessness #angry #blackburn #irritated #premierinn #miserable #imprisonedfeels #furious #overwhelmed #trauma #alexithymia #dragondisappointment #exasperation #despairing #anxiety #panic #drowningfeels #fatigue #asd #confused #resentment #aggitated #dismal #caredfor #frustration #stressed #sara #exhaustion #upset #fibromyalgia #agony

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A Futile Fibro Flare-Up Day…

Temp| 8°C

Still can’t think beyond the pain. My brain is zoned out.

I’m in no shape of, or for, anything.

Done naught but a few words in Daylio and Jouney Journal, then blindly and mindlessly poking around the internet a little.

Somehow, it’s now 5:30pm. I have no idea how that could have happened. I wanted extra meds to help play Skyrim. Guess that didn’t work out.

It’s horrible outside. Cold, rainy, high Humidity. The isobars are decent-ish at 1016mb. I’m so cold… But I can’t move, and in too much pain to do anything about it… 😣🤕🤨🥺


There are a few emails on my system now that I haven’t read. Refused to read. There’s 2 about the Boots thing, 1 about the Ubisoft problem with Assassin’s CreedUnity (the downloads run at 3mb/s & then the game won’t load anyway), and 1 from Sophie the OT regarding people coming here to install my shower.

I’m too scared to read them. Or, more specifically, I’m way, way, way far too way into OTT & TMI to cope with facing them or processing them, let along answering them…😟😣😢

I don’t know where the “Me” who used to jump at all correspondence, had Zero outstanding emails in her inbox, is avoiding messages and has nearly 7,000 “unread” emails in her inbox 🤯😫😟… 💔

… I could really do with her right now… 



I’m in 9.95 Pain… I can’t think past it, or of anything else, and my mind is blanking to try and deal with it…

  • I’ve been rushing around checking into, and booking, Premier Inns…
  • Mentally preparing for the crapload of Appointments we have to deal with and somehow manage through in May, including 2 big hospital appointments far enough away to require overnight accommodation…
  • I’ve had to deal with the last minute Car Tax thing and go out to do it, causing this latest flare up of agony (because I don’t have a shower)…
  • My glasses got snapped in half, and I had to circumvent my immense panic and Dragon of Disappointment long enough to get new ones.
  • I’ve had a good couple of mini-ish Meltdowns caused by other people…
  • My Catheter came out after only 6 days, and at 10:22pm, of all times… Late at night is *never* good; at least the nurses are great 👍🏻 🙂🤕
  • I’m even more exhausted because my mattress was being mean to me, and causing several nights of extreme pain and nightmares.
  • I flipped the big Hypnos mattress with Dad, and had to empty and redo the bed with Sara.

 


There’s been too much stuff, way, way, way too fast. Too much pain. Too much chaos. Too much… everything-too-much-on-top-of-everything-else.


 

NB: I think the new Food Plan is going to have to go in the bin, for today. There’s no way I am eating between 6pm and 7pm when I am like this. I’ll need at least 6:30pm meds to have kicked in, as well as an extra mini-dose of Oramorph, to manage to eat anything.

Before 8pm, food has no  chance of happening. 😖🤕😣😔

 

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