Category: Illness & Depression

Nothing To… Something?

Posted on by delphinemusic in Alexithymia, anguish, anxiety, ASD, autistic, Autistic Burnout, blackouts, chronic illness, Chronic Pain, Chronic Paraesthesia, CPTSD, despairing, devestated, dismal, distressed, Dysphagia, exasperation, exhaustion, fatigue, Fibromyalgia, Fibroplegia, frustration, grief, helplessness, Illness & Depression, imprisonedfeels, independence, inspiring, Mental Health, miserable, Music, PTSD, ptsd, stress, trauma, trauma

And now I'm just Dead Inside wondering WHY I KEEP TRYING to DO things... Have to RELY on people to TAKE ME PLACES. TO EAT. SHOP. COOK. GET DRESSED. GET MY PAD CHANGED. TIDY OR CLEAN MY ROOM. TAKE OUT THE TRASH FROM THE ROOM. PUT THINGS AWAY... EVERYTHING THAT'S HUMANE, USUAL, THAT I USED TO DO WITHOUT A SECOND THOGHT & IN MY OWN HOME..... But Now... That's ALL Changed. Instead, I am left unable to do almost anythig, INFANALISED. IMPRISONED. IMPERFECT.BROKEN.

Aftermath

Posted on by delphinemusic in Agony, angry, anguish, anxiety, autistic, Autistic Burnout, blackouts, catheter, chronic illness, Chronic Pain, Chronic Paraesthesia, CPTSD, despairing, devestated, disaster, distressed, districtnurses, disturbed, dragondisappointment, drained, Dysphagia, Eating Disorders, exasperation, exhaustion, fatigue, Fibromyalgia, Fibroplegia, frustration, furious, grief, headache, healthcare, Illness & Depression, Mental Health, mentalhealth, miserable, mixedfeels, nhsdirect, numbness, occutherpist, PTSD, ptsd, Stamina & Energy, stress, suprapubic catheter, trauma, trauma

I'm no better but at least I don't seem to be any worse...? Spasms in legs went yesterday - now they're even more Useless than usual, and I can't do almost ANYTHING, because they're not back. I have nothing but the very top part of me - as in the top of my shoulders, arms, hands (sort of) & fingers (... ish. Barely). ... I HATE it when this happens because I'm about as Broken as I get in This State - and there is absolutely NOTHING I can DO about it except wait and see IF it ever comes back.......

ABYSMAL…

Posted on by delphinemusic in Agony, anguish, anxiety, autistic, Autistic Burnout, blackouts, chronic illness, Chronic Pain, Chronic Paraesthesia, CPTSD, despairing, disability, dismal, distressed, drained, fatigue, Fibromyalgia, Fibroplegia, frustration, healthcare, hospital, Illness & Depression, Mental Health, mentalhealth, overwhelmed, pain, PTSD, ptsd, sensoryoverload, Stamina & Energy, suprapubic catheter, Weather/Isobars

am SERIOUSLY PAYING for going out yesterday... Just a GODS-DAMNED HOSPITAL APPOINTMENT... But now I have to suffer for Days... (Weeks...?) for the Privilege of being able to Go To The Sodding Hospital. A day that started at 7am and didn't finish till ALL HOURS of the MORNING -- around 3am. For a 2pm appointment in a hospital that's over 20 miles away. So, that's what... 20 SHITTING HOURS of being UP and BEING ACTIVE and frankly Suffering, because ALL of it is NOT EASY Whatsoever.

Just… Too Much.

Posted on by delphinemusic in anxiety, asthma, autistic, Autistic Burnout, badthings, chronic illness, Chronic Pain, Chronic Paraesthesia, concerned, confused, CPTSD, despairing, devestated, distressed, drained, Dysphagia, Eating Disorders, exhaustion, fatigue, Fibromyalgia, frustration, grief, healthcare, helplessness, hospital, hypervigilance, Illness & Depression, irritated, medication, Mental Health, overwhelmed, personalinsights, PTSD, ptsd, Stamina & Energy, stress, stressed, terrified, trauma, trauma, Treatments

Nightmares not only refuse to let me go, but seem to make a point of utterly grabbing me and drowning me... And one of the hardest things is trying to wade my way through the waking solid nightmare of Dysphagia. There's no medication that makes it easier or better, nothing I can take that might help in some way. There's actually nothing I can do to fix it, even.

Hard To Swallow

Posted on by delphinemusic in anxiety, autistic, Autistic Burnout, chronic illness, Chronic Pain, Chronic Paraesthesia, concerned, confused, CPTSD, despairing, devestated, disassociation, disaster, dismal, distressed, Dysphagia, Eating Disorders, food, frustration, headache, healthcare, helplessness, Illness & Depression, premierinn, PTSD, ptsd, stress, stressed, terrified, trauma, trauma, upset, vibratingscared

Dysphagia is absolutely the Disaster That Keeps On Harming. Every day for a week I've once again spent a long time trying to cough up harmful things from my lungs, without the energy or physical ability to really actually do so... And now I am SO WRECKED I can hardly breathe because of it now... … Continue reading Hard To Swallow →

Rabbit Hole

Posted on by delphinemusic in autistic, Autistic Burnout, CPTSD, disassociation, distressed, exhaustion, fatigue, Fibromyalgia, helplessness, hypervigilance, Illness & Depression, trauma, trauma

I've long always known I Belong In The Dark. But I made a... B.A.D Decision... After contracting - and surviving - Septicaemia & Sepsis, Six Years Ago. I TOLD myself I would never actively want to die again -- after fighting to stay alive. Ever since then... The Darkness has been... Gone. That's been... Ultimately... … Continue reading Rabbit Hole →

DEGRADATION & Deterioraion…

Posted on by delphinemusic in aggitated, angry, anguish, anniversary, anxiety, ASD, aspie, autistic, Autistic Burnout, badthings, blackouts, catheter, chronic illness, Chronic Pain, Chronic Paraesthesia, concerned, confused, CPTSD, crushingfeels, despairing, devestated, dignity, disability, disassociation, disaster, dismal, distressed, disturbed, dragondisappointment, drained, drowningfeels, exhaustion, fatigue, Fibromyalgia, grief, Hair, hair dye, Hair Washing, healthcare, helplessness, Illness & Depression, inhell, Mental Health, mentalhealth, miserable, overwhelmed, pain, PTSD, ptsd, Resentment, sad, scared, selfawareness, sensoryoverload, Stamina & Energy, stress, stressed, suprapubic catheter, trauma, trauma

I feel like I Am Drowning... Suffocating... In Claustrophobic PANIC. Panic Attacks of fear, panic itself, shock, grief... It's been TEN YEARS since this first started... and in those Ten Years I have lost the ability to control Just About Everything that's in my body and my life.# I've lost my body. I have lost my voice. I have lost the ability … Continue reading DEGRADATION & Deterioraion… →

FIBROMYALGIA Vs FND & Long COVID

Posted on by delphinemusic in Agony, anguish, anxiety, autistic, Autistic Burnout, chronic illness, Chronic Pain, Chronic Paraesthesia, concerned, CPTSD, disability, distressed, drained, Eating Disorders, exhaustion, fatigue, Fibromyalgia, Fibroplegia, food, frustration, healthcare, helplessness, Hemiplegic Migraine, Illness & Depression, long COVID, Mental Health, miserable, overwhelmed, pain, PTSD, ptsd, scared, sensoryoverload, stress, terrified, trauma, uncertainty, upset, vibratingscared

I have waited a LONG time to get to this point, to ask for this investigation into FND & Long COVID from the GP. I am terrified of being laughed at, being told no, or that I’m being daft.  Humiliated, burned, ghosted, gaslit, disdainfully told off… I NEVER ask for ANYTHING lightly, when it comes to medical intervention – to get to this point I have been pushed beyond desperation. And Right Now, I NEED Answers. I need to know what is happening and if there is a way of Dealing with This properly.