My Story… My Life…
The Second Time My World Imploded into PTSD…
When I was 34, literally my entire world fell apart. I was so ill I couldn’t move and was in 24/7 agony from Fibromyalgia, and after 2 years of this illness and 10 years together, my partner snapped and she sent me home to live with my parents. Actually, she asked them to come and get me.
Just one random day. She stopped texting me. Then vanished. Never came home. I freaked the crap out. Turns out she went to her mums house. I had to track her down. And her step dad was a bitch to me on the phone.
Then she told me everything was done, we were done, and she wasn’t coming back until, I was packed up and ready to go.
My. World. Died. And. Ended. In. That. Moment.
She took the last remnants of things I had left — and I had already lost the career I loved and the data migration project I was just about to start. And destroyed them. Just one random day. Just like that.
It was nearly 4 years ago, this November it will be.
It was utterly sheer hell. I didn’t know if or how I was ever going to survive. I was delirious with agony and pain, screaming and blacking out from it every day, my parents were yelling at me, screaming at me, doing other bad things at me. I had several meltdowns per day. Everyday. The worst ever kinds. I used to come round to disaster and injuries I had no idea about constantly. It was horrendous…
It went on for years… I tried to OD twice. Was in an ambulance for it. It was a waking nightmare of exceptional proportions.
I don’t know how or why I am still here… But I am. And, frankly, I’m proud of myself for that.
And I survived long enough to get a very special person back in my life. And it’s in a better way this time too …. 🤔
So… I get it. I truly undoubtedly do.
And, also, that is how I know that others can survive this. Because I have, I do. We do. Cos we’re strong and kick ass and have to take far more than anyone could ever frikkin imagine. All. Day. Every. Day.
Category Archives: dragondisappointment
North Wales | 11°C
I’ve just seen the date at the top of this iPad a moment ago…
It’s 7/7 — the day things changed forever…
7th July 2015
14 Years Ago Today
And it will never “Just”… “Grow Old”… We were there. In the middle of it. SN was outside a few hundred yards away from That Freaking, Frikkin Bus… Maybe not half an hour after it blew itself up…
We watched it all as it unfurled itself on the news. Heard those Ambulances’ sirens dull on the TV as they raced further away from the scene… Only to get louder and louder outside my window on the way to the Trauma Centre in the Royal Free, Hampstead. It made it a chilling reality…
The worst thing, however, was the fact that SN was inadvertently out there when the Tavistock Square Busexploded. The bomb had not long gone off, maybe only an hour or even half an hour. Entirely naïve of the situation, she had gone to meet her parents coming in to Euston from North Wales to see her graduation recital at Arts Ed.
If she had gone sooner, as she says, she decided to go take the mail upstairs to our apartment (Oakley Square, Mornington Crescent, Camden) instead of leaving right away, she might have been there when the bomb exploded… Heard It… Saw It… Hopefully nowhere near the circumference of the shrapnel trajectory…
As she also pointed out, we would walk past there to get to town. If she hadn’t been having her Recital that day, who knows where we would have been. There’s a place close by we liked to have breakfast in, I’m certain. We could have been going there, done that… It all doesn’t bear to be thinking about… 😖😢😞
But SN was in Euston a little later, thank goodness… She says there was an air of something … wrong… there… But no clear indications — perhaps a fire down in the Tube line? That it wasn’t until I called her, she didn’t know anything had happened.
For me, it had been a very long nightmareto get hold of her. Phone networks were already being jammed (the cell phone networks in 2005 were still really in their infancy stage compared to now…), and I could not get hold of her. For ages… Minutes and Minutes… Which is forever when your best friend might be in serious danger…
I had known nothing was wrong until C (my sister) emailed me to ask how I was, if I was OK. I obviously told her I was fine and at home. And asked why she was asking. She told me to turn on the TV. Any. Channel.
With that, my blood went cold and turned on the BBC… The first thing I saw was the fully exploded, destroyed and ripped out backend of the No. 30 Bus in… Tavistock Square… Which was… Right. By. Euston. Station…. 😱😟😟😟😣😣😣😣😣😣🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯😖😖😖😖😖😖
So, I flipped and started ringing her frantically, until I finally got an answer. And I nearly wept outright with overwhelming internal relief.
She came home — walking bravely despite all the horrors going on…
Her parents had been Evacuated back home from Watford Junction Station anyhow, and all Central London was in a serious Lockdown.
From then on… Well… It just go worse and worse. We were glued to the TV to get as much information as possible about it all. It. Was . Fucking. Terrifying.
SN got quite serious PTSD from it… After all, she was there. That is one seriously Majorheadfuck…
She seems to know how to deal with it well… She has a really, really powerful internal Strength of Will, and bears such a burden with dignity and Strength, despite the Fear and heartbreaking anxiety anything that triggers or reminds her of it… She still carries it with great Power and Grace, in my eyes.
Not many people understand this. Her parents were kinda there — after all, they themselves were evacuated from London on the train, not being able to get hold of SN and know if she was OK. Not sure if they ever did grasp the reality she was near enough to have been kinda involved in it, too, if she’d have gone any earlier, though….
So, every 7/7 we talk about it. Discuss it. Get our Trauma and Anxieties out to someone who can commiserate and empathise truly. We went through that together. We still go through it together.
The date brings things to the fore too easily, the memories still vivid despite pretty much an entire Decade-and-a-Half having come and gone hence…
It. Just. Hurts…
I use Dailyo diary and mood tracking app for this:
This just about says it all… 😞😖😢
When you are going through it, it’s bad enough… But to see it like this… You really do get to see “in black and white” as it were…
It was terrible to go through. It was a Hellish Month! 😰😖 … I hope that this next month will be at least somewhat better.
I’m not holding my breath or anything, though… 🥺😞
| 9°C |
Overwhelmed. TMI’d up to the hilt. My Mind has been blown to pieces… and then those pieces have been blown up too.
I can’t even… You know, I am buzzing on the inside… I mean literally, like every cell has its own TENS machine or Thumper Wand.
Too much everything. There’s no time to think. No time to wind down. There’s no time to Sleep – and they come with Nightmares anyways.
I’m blacking out – because All of This is just Too Damned Much. I am dying inside. I don’t want to know about any of this. The Pain is Ridiculous. The Emotional Turmoil is Overwhelming and Pathetic.
I need Space. Headspace. Peace – from the Chaos, the noise, the constant haranguing. Something always has to be done. Or noted. Or talked about. There’s always a Ping. There is always someone talking. Then there’s people walking in and out of my room, as they please, talking about stuff they could message me with.
Things keep happening and going very, very wrong… A continuous chaotic cacophony of Mind-Blowing, Brain-Breaking Stress, that just seems to never, ever end…
Nothing goes right. Nothing goes easy. Nothing I do is *enough. And worse of all, is that I can’t stop other people from messing with my head, giving me Meltdowns, frightening me, Badly Shocking me, or breaking The Rules and Harming Me… Destructive, Harmful, Destroying.
I haven’t stopped. I’ve been going, going, going, and haven’t even barely taken a breath for myself… Everything takes time away from me. There is no rest. There is no peace to steal. There is no respite. There is no Mercy…
The Agony… The abundance of TMI… It has me blacking out into hallucinating unconsciousness; one that is uncomfortable and frightening.
Physically, I can’t move. Breathing is difficult. I am “imprisoned” in my Room again. I am Resentful, Frustrated, Hateful, Forced into this… The Agony is Unbearable.
These Feels are… Heavy… And I don’t like them. I only want them to go away.
#pain #chaos #drowningfeels #sensoryoverload #agony #despairing #stressed #drained #dragondisappointment #anxiety #asd #tmi #fatigue #helplessness #aggitated #exasperation #exhaustion #frustration
Costa | 23°C
In Costa again… Oh, Frikkin Gods.. What a Morning… 😩😖🤯😣😱☹️ ‼️
I have been through the ringer… Drained of everything and more that I have, and have ever had, inside… I’ve been pushed beyond what I am really capable of coping with, dealing with, managing…
S pointed out that, Regardless, I am still managing it, because I am not actually having a Meltdown.
That’s… fair. I’m not. But it’s WW3 inside me and it’s suffocating me… 😖😣 … crushing me…
It started with sleeping in. Until nearly 1pm…! 🤬😱🤯🥺
After the last few days, and some careful planning of the day, that was so entirely unacceptable!! 🥺😖😖😖 Dear Gods, we were supposed to be in the shopping centre by then!
It destroyed my insides… Wrecked them apart and tore them, like an IED went off inside… This is was the Dragon of Disappointment going bananas inside me, and burning everything that I had inside. I was done…
Somehow, S soothed me enough to help me wrap some kind of shell around the devastation, and allow me to at least try and function. Slowly, I got dressed and even managed a little makeup (even if it wasn’t exactly… great).`
However, it was late when we got out. Around 2:30pm. It was so hard for me to process this. My reasoning was, in the main, that the extra sleep — for me, at least, — was utterly pointless, and a complete waste of time.
To my horror, I had inadvertently squandered precious time outside, to sticking to a good plan for a nice and relaxing day outside — and instead spent extra hours in bed sleeping.
I have Fibromyalgia, and the symptoms that are the basic foundation of Chronic Fatigue — there is no way in hell that any of my sleep was going to be helpful, restful, recuperating, or healing. So, any “lie in” was a complete and utter waste of time.
This bugs me so much… I try to work so hard to master this damned curse inflicted upon my mind and body… and yet, still, it manages to somehow get the better of me, when I am at my weakest, to wreck havoc with my mind.
The Dragon of Disappointment is merciless… Fear and Cold Terror turns everything white and frozen… Panic and Horror make everything explode like devastating fireworks in an oil rig — leaving nothing in its wake but ashes and embers and ruins…
It all makes my Aspic/Autie brain hurt. It goes into hyperdrive, and then destroys itself completely, and then everything else along with it.
It turns it into a blabbering mess; a pile of burned ash, slushed into a soggy mess in the torrential downpour of the storms that harm it so greatly… Until there is nothing left, and I am naught but a shell of emptiness and a robot in Shutdown.
It might be marginally better, and less destructive… but only on the outside and to other people… But it is still a horrific and destructive and Traumatic thing to endure, nevertheless.
It leaves its mark. It leaves it deeply — because it is not flung out into the Nether, like things are in a Meltdown. The Meltdown blows its top, and violently expels everything that you find within it that has hurt and harmed it so much, it has done this.
A Shutdown, however, Implodes, scarring everything inside, blowing everything on the inside, causing the devastation there instead. Arguably, to me and my mental health, it is worse. And even worse than that… Nobody can see it…
I’ve done nothing to deserve all of this.
I’ve bent over backwards, and all ways, to try and be good, try and contain myself under extremely stressful and frightening circumstances.
And yet… More just keeps coming. 😖😖😖
I think I am aware now that it will probably Never End… But this Warrior is tired… Needs a little R&R from this… war of ill-health — of a broken body, a broken mind, and a broken spirit…
#scared #helplessness #angry #blackburn #irritated #premierinn #miserable #imprisonedfeels #furious #overwhelmed #trauma #alexithymia #dragondisappointment #exasperation #despairing #anxiety #panic #drowningfeels #fatigue #asd #confused #resentment #aggitated #dismal #caredfor #frustration #stressed #sara #exhaustion #upset #fibromyalgia #agony
Still can’t think beyond the pain. My brain is zoned out.
I’m in no shape of, or for, anything.
Done naught but a few words in Daylio and Jouney Journal, then blindly and mindlessly poking around the internet a little.
Somehow, it’s now 5:30pm. I have no idea how that could have happened. I wanted extra meds to help play Skyrim. Guess that didn’t work out.
It’s horrible outside. Cold, rainy, high Humidity. The isobars are decent-ish at 1016mb. I’m so cold… But I can’t move, and in too much pain to do anything about it… 😣🤕🤨🥺
There are a few emails on my system now that I haven’t read. Refused to read. There’s 2 about the Boots thing, 1 about the Ubisoft problem with Assassin’s CreedUnity (the downloads run at 3mb/s & then the game won’t load anyway), and 1 from Sophie the OT regarding people coming here to install my shower.
I’m too scared to read them. Or, more specifically, I’m way, way, way far too way into OTT & TMI to cope with facing them or processing them, let along answering them…😟😣😢
I don’t know where the “Me” who used to jump at all correspondence, had Zero outstanding emails in her inbox, is avoiding messages and has nearly 7,000 “unread” emails in her inbox 🤯😫😟… 💔
… I could really do with her right now…
I’m in 9.95 Pain… I can’t think past it, or of anything else, and my mind is blanking to try and deal with it…
- I’ve been rushing around checking into, and booking, Premier Inns…
- Mentally preparing for the crapload of Appointments we have to deal with and somehow manage through in May, including 2 big hospital appointments far enough away to require overnight accommodation…
- I’ve had to deal with the last minute Car Tax thing and go out to do it, causing this latest flare up of agony (because I don’t have a shower)…
- My glasses got snapped in half, and I had to circumvent my immense panic and Dragon of Disappointment long enough to get new ones.
- I’ve had a good couple of mini-ish Meltdowns caused by other people…
- My Catheter came out after only 6 days, and at 10:22pm, of all times… Late at night is *never* good; at least the nurses are great 👍🏻 🙂🤕
- I’m even more exhausted because my mattress was being mean to me, and causing several nights of extreme pain and nightmares.
- I flipped the big Hypnos mattress with Dad, and had to empty and redo the bed with Sara.
There’s been too much stuff, way, way, way too fast. Too much pain. Too much chaos. Too much… everything-too-much-on-top-of-everything-else.
NB: I think the new Food Plan is going to have to go in the bin, for today. There’s no way I am eating between 6pm and 7pm when I am like this. I’ll need at least 6:30pm meds to have kicked in, as well as an extra mini-dose of Oramorph, to manage to eat anything.
Before 8pm, food has no chance of happening. 😖🤕😣😔
Temp | 11°C
The Catheter just came out again…
It lasted only 6 Days, this time… 😳😔☹️
It’s so annoying, having to undo all the straps and sort through all the tubing, and whatnots, when disposing of a shoved-out Catheter.
Then there’s the Dragon of Disappointment, and all the other damn “emotions” and crushing, suffocating “feels” that go with it.
… Certainly makes me more determined to get a good meeting out of the Suprapubic Pre-Op Hospital Appt. next week…
I really feel… horrible… Betrayed, almost, by the damned thing. Strange, but true!I thought I could at least make it through another month, but apparently not. My stomach is all knotted… I feel something… crushing, twisting, fiery, scratchy, bitter… upset…😢
I am not in the right space for this to happen along with everything else… 😖😖😖
I was miserable enough without this…
It’s been spasming all day. No doubt due to all the stress I’ve been under. Or… maybe more like I put me under… 🤨🤔… 😒😒😒
Between fearing the arduous and overwhelmed task of flipping the mattress, and the issues I’m having, now I’m arguing with Boots about whether or not people in wheelchairs should be treated better than naughty puppies, I’ve been in a lot of depressive misery today.
Boots made me feel small, pointless, miserable, undignified, insulted, belittled… Vulnerable… I’ve been in scared and sorrowful misery all day.
But then I got some balls and got going with sorting out the mattress, because there was No Way I was sounding another night like I had been, in that much pain. I’d had enough painful nights and nightmares, and last night was the final straw.
But I guess it was too little, too late, and the stress of all of it was too much…?
Either way… The bastard thing is out again. 😒😒😒😒😒😒
#upset #frustration #fatigue #exhaustion #fibroplegia #dragondisappointment #irritated #sad #pain #dignity #suffocatingfeels #catheter #fibromyalgia #anxiety #aspie #healthcare #alexithymia #stressed #dismal #depression #resentment #helplessness #disabilityPowered by Journey Diary.