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~ ~   Me, Myself, and I…  ~ ~ 

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Huge Geek in all things techy, gamey, gadgety, and computery

Casual Writer, Blogger, Editor & Former Singer-Songwriter

Student of Chess, PC building, Linux & Raspberry Pi

Addicted to Bioware games, my Xbox, my iPad, coffee, having coffee made for me, Galaxy hot chocolate, BBQ Hoola Hoops and, of course, Beef Monster Munch…

Isn’t everyone?


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Coffeeholic and Starbucks obsessive, chronic bookworm (particularly crime novels), gaming and tech geek, previously moonlighting as an IT geek in database admin and data analysis to pay for coffee and games (and the rent, I guess…). I have lived in London since 2003, having moved down from my birthplace of North Wales.

I live with my best-friend and Staffie doggy, Soul. They are the best things in my life and help me no end – my earthbound angels, without whom I wouldn’t be able to do much of anything and extremely helpless and hopeless.

We used to have a beautiful pussy-cat Spooky. Unfortunately, our lovely Spooky passed away in March 2012… We still miss him. He was a Failed Foster cat – we were supposed to foster him only until someone else adopted him, but we adopted him instead. We had him for four beautiful years, until one day when he seemed to quite suddenly become really ill and we rushed him to the emergency vet. After tests we were told he had a huge abscess in his belly… and it was too late for him. He was crying in pain when we left him, and even on painkillers he was still crying. In tears, we agreed to end his suffering, as there was nothing more that could be done to save him. He was only 6 years old. It was heartbreaking.

Spooky

Spooky

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I have been a life-long sufferer of depression. Until now…

Diagnosed aged 12, unfortunately no-one looked any further. I lived with it for over 20 years, without any idea what was really going on. I thought I knew – I was put through pure Hell for the better part of two decades, made me descend into a living nightmare of hysterical anxiety, eating-disorders, agoraphobia, painkillers addiction, self-harm, retrograde amnesia… and other things too.

Bad things happened. No one bothered looking any further than that diagnosis, though. They never realised it was more complicated than that, but unfortunately fixating on that allowed them to miss other vital things that would have made my life easier if they had spotted it. Twenty years later, I was finally diagnosed with what was really making my life miserable – Asperger Syndrome. Unfortunately, because this was missed, the first 3o years of my life was excruciatingly difficult to cope with, particularly with all the Bad Stuff that happened.

The Bad Stuff and the Aspergers caused the severe depression. I’ve tried to come to terms with the horrible things that brought the depression on… I don’t really think about it that much anymore. I don’t really get depressed now – I can feel sad and hopeless sometimes, but I do not feel that yawning terrible black hole consuming me, taking me down the Rabbit Hole and into Hell itself.

It’s actually how I ended up getting really into music, singing and performing – it was a virtually life-saving passion that gave me a great outlet for my feelings and enabled me to be strong enough to fight the demon that lived inside my mind, and ruled not only my thoughts but my life.

More Bad Stuff has happened, but the worst thing I generally feel is a bit of pathetic self-pity, and a lot more frustration. There’s no real depression. I can see the black hole looking at me, but now I realise what it is that causes me to fall in – so I now calmly turn and move away from the edge.

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Classically trained, and having studied Performing Arts & Musical Theatre, I have been singing, song-writing and performing since the age of 13, and performed several times on the West End stages of London. I have also been randomly writing little books since I can remember, but have only now decided to try and take it seriously and work at getting somewhere with it.

I am now hoping that any capability I have can be assisted by my experience writing music and songs, and the storytelling ability required to write songs can be transferred into book-writing. That, and a vat of coffee every hour whenI’m busy trying to coherently type – that’s always helpful too!

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What I put myself through – as well as a rather delicate physical disposition anyhow – I’ve ended up with a myriad of physical problems and chronic illnesses, which are admittedly difficult to live with. Occasionally, something new gets added to them, as the consequences of my  youth catch up with me and accumulate. Whatever was already there anyway has been made worse by the way I treated myself and ignored my heath altogether, and I’ve pretty much worn my body down to where illness and pain are constant daily companions for me, making most things difficult – from breathing and eating, to walking and going out. I have not made life easy for myself, but these days, that is exactly what I try to do, so I at least don’t make things much worse. Sometimes I fail at this because I still push myself too hard and expect too much from myself.

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My solace from these things are in games, reading and writing, and indulging in my obsession with anything techy or gadgety (and I indulged in with my TechNowGeek blog). So, these days, I don’t suffer quite so much with depression at least… Although I do feel ‘blue‘ from time to time with pain. But instead of beating myself up about things in my head, I take it out on the bad guys in Skyrim (or Fable, or Mass Effect, or Dragon Age… You get the idea…) and have a nice coffee. Or three. Or four…

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