Category Archives: exhaustion

Overcast Clouds, 18°C

It hurts… It hurts a lot… Isobars have plummeted now — and the worst part is that they haven’t stopped falling… 🥺😣😔☹️

Painsommia…

I woke up at 8am to take pills, to give them to Lolli (Sara), and now I can’t go back to sleep because it sodding hurts too much…

It’s overwhelming, makes me feel nauseated in the pits of my stomach. Nerves and skin burning… Breathing is… Wrong…

Knee joints and pelvis area  are screaming… Head feels like the insides are being ground into mince, then scrambled up again… Ears are starting feel swelled and in pain… Nose is really killing me…

 

Every joint and muscle is screaming… 

Once again, it’s gone appalling …

There is no peace here I can feel… 

Just abject Misery. Again. Of course…

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Painsomnia

 | 15°C

Painsomnia… Aptly-Named...

 

For days… weeks(?)… I’ve been unable to say words in writing. My head aches at the mere thought of making sense of my Feels enough to attach actual words to them… 

Dailyos haven’t been filled in (will have to do them retrospectively… Somehow… Using this log…). Even this Journey Journal hasn’t been used for anything much more than a LogBook. 

I’ve found this to be a Notably Reliable Indicator of Depression. Not the bad kind… No. The Really, Really, Badly Fucked Up Kind.


What’s been happening over the past few weeks, along with the God-Awful bitter hopelessness of recent times, is ensuring my brain is being cemented into the Wonderland of my Mind… And it seems I am, once again, being packed up and flung down that Rabbit Hole, ready to be destroyed and torn to pieces all over again. 

Chaos. Fatigue. Exhaustion. Grief. Confusion. The inability to process complicated Emotional Feels. Not enough time to process Complex Emotional Feels. It all just builds up and up and up, until I’m so completely and entirely overwhelmed…

I am done in… Distressed. Frustrated. Overwhelmed. Frightened. Anxious. Wound Up. Agitated. 

I fear sleeping again. I’m not even sure if I know why…

I am am in such a physical mess… And not just the Fibro. Not being able to wash my body, or my hair, or engage in any proper self-care at all is heartbreaking. But it also has an actual knock-on affect in so many other ways, too. You cannwot get properly cleaned with wet wipes. You don’t get properly washed to prevent catheter infections. Taking all your clothes off properly means that heat rash, allergens, creams and oils, groom and backside areas get properly washed, rinsed and sluiced. 

I need to get some kind of grip on it… Quickly. Before it become next to impossible to wrangle The Beast back without an all-out war…

#anxiety #anguish #asd #aggitatedPowered by Journey Diary.


Surviving Trauma with ASD

My Story… My Life…

The Second Time My World Imploded into PTSD…

When I was 34, literally my entire world fell apart. I was so ill I couldn’t move and was in 24/7 agony from Fibromyalgia, and after 2 years of this illness and 10 years together, my partner snapped and she sent me home to live with my parents. Actually, she asked them to come and get me.

Just one random day. She stopped texting me. Then vanished. Never came home. I freaked the crap out. Turns out she went to her mums house. I had to track her down. And her step dad was a bitch to me on the phone.

Then she told me everything was done, we were done, and she wasn’t coming back until, I was packed up and ready to go.

My. World. Died. And. Ended. In. That. Moment.

She took the last remnants of things I had left — and I had already lost the career I loved and the data migration project I was just about to start. And destroyed them. Just one random day. Just like that.

It was nearly 4 years ago, this November it will be.

It was utterly sheer hell. I didn’t know if or how I was ever going to survive. I was delirious with agony and pain, screaming and blacking out from it every day, my parents were yelling at me, screaming at me, doing other bad things at me. I had several meltdowns per day. Everyday. The worst ever kinds. I used to come round to disaster and injuries I had no idea about constantly. It was horrendous…

It went on for years… I tried to OD twice. Was in an ambulance for it. It was a waking nightmare of exceptional proportions.

I don’t know how or why I am still here… But I am. And, frankly, I’m proud of myself for that.

And I survived long enough to get a very special person back in my life. And it’s in a better way this time too …. 🤔

So… I get it. I truly undoubtedly do.

And, also, that is how I know that others can survive this. Because I have, I do. We do. Cos we’re strong and kick ass and have to take far more than anyone could ever frikkin imagine. All. Day. Every. Day.

💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖
💝💝💝💝💝💝💝💝💝💝💝💝💝


🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿 FOR WALES — COMMUNITY MENTAL HEALTH HELPLINE 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿


C.A.L.L. FOR Wales

FREEPHONE: 0800 132 737

TEXT: HELP & Your Question To: 81066

VISIT: www.callhelpline.org.uk



C.A.L.L. FOR Wales
🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿 Community Advice & Listening Line 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿

🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿 C.A.L.L. I GYMRU — Yn Gymraeg 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿
(In Welsh)

💜💝… With All The Love & Care That There Can Be… 💝💜


July 07, 2019 2:36 am

North Wales | 11°C

 

I’ve just seen the date at the top of this iPad a moment ago…

It’s 7/7 — the day things changed forever…

7th July 2015

14 Years Ago Today

And it will never “Just”… “Grow Old”… We were there. In the middle of it. SN was outside a few hundred yards away from That Freaking, Frikkin Bus… Maybe not half an hour after it blew itself up…

We watched it all as it unfurled itself on the news. Heard those Ambulances’ sirens dull on the TV as they raced further away from the scene… Only to get louder and louder outside my window on the way to the Trauma Centre in the Royal Free, Hampstead. It made it a chilling reality

The worst thing, however, was the fact that SN was inadvertently out there when the Tavistock Square Busexploded. The bomb had not long gone off, maybe only an hour or even half an hour. Entirely naïve of the situation, she had gone to meet her parents coming in to Euston from North Wales to see her graduation recital at Arts Ed.

If she had gone sooner, as she says, she decided to go take the mail upstairs to our apartment (Oakley Square, Mornington Crescent, Camden)  instead of leaving right away, she might have been there when the bomb exploded… Heard It… Saw It… Hopefully nowhere near the circumference of the shrapnel trajectory…

As she also pointed out, we would walk past there to get to town. If she hadn’t been having her Recital that day, who knows where we would have been. There’s a place close by we liked to have breakfast in, I’m certain. We could have been going there, done that… It all doesn’t bear to be thinking about… 😖😢😞

But SN was in Euston a little later, thank goodness… She says there was an air of something … wrong… there… But no clear indications — perhaps a fire down in the Tube line? That it wasn’t until I called her, she didn’t know anything had happened.

For me, it had been a very long nightmareto get hold of her. Phone networks were already being jammed (the cell phone networks in 2005 were still really in their infancy stage compared to now…), and I could not get hold of her. For ages… Minutes and Minutes… Which is forever when your best friend might be in serious danger…

I had known nothing was wrong until C (my sister) emailed me to ask how I was, if I was OK. I obviously told her I was fine and at home. And asked why she was asking. She told me to turn on the TV. Any. Channel

With that, my blood went cold and turned on the BBC… The first thing I saw was the fully exploded, destroyed and ripped out backend of the No. 30 Bus in… Tavistock SquareWhich was… Right. By. Euston. Station…. 😱😟😟😟😣😣😣😣😣😣🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯😖😖😖😖😖😖

So, I flipped and started ringing her frantically, until I finally got an answer. And I nearly wept outright with overwhelming internal relief.

She came home — walking bravely despite all the horrors going on…

Her parents had been Evacuated back home from Watford Junction Station anyhow, and all Central London was in a serious Lockdown.

From then on… Well… It just go worse and worse. We were glued to the TV to get as much information as possible about it all. It. Was . Fucking. Terrifying

SN got quite serious PTSD from it… After all, she was thereThat is one seriously Majorheadfuck…

She seems to know how to deal with it well… She has a really, really powerful internal Strength of Will, and bears such a burden with dignity and Strength, despite the Fear and heartbreaking anxiety anything that triggers or reminds her of it… She still carries it with great Power and Grace, in my eyes. 

Not many people understand this. Her parents were kinda there — after all, they themselves were evacuated from London on the train, not being able to get hold of SN and know if she was OK. Not sure if they ever did grasp the reality she was near enough to have been kinda involved in it, too, if she’d have gone any earlier, though….

So, every 7/7 we talk about it. Discuss it. Get our Trauma and Anxieties out to someone who can commiserate and empathise truly. We went through that together. We still go through it together.

The date brings things to the fore too easily, the memories still vivid despite pretty much an entire Decade-and-a-Half having come and gone hence…

It. Just. Hurts…

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JUNE 2019 — Daily Mood Chart • Disturbingly Not Good… 😔

I use Dailyo diary and mood tracking app for this:

https://www.daylio.net

This just about says it all… 😞😖😢

When you are going through it, it’s bad enough… But to see it like this… You really do get to see “in black and white” as it were…

It was terrible to go through. It was a Hellish Month! 😰😖 … I hope that this next month will be at least somewhat better.

I’m not holding my breath or anything, though… 🥺😞


TMI

| 9°C |

Overwhelmed. TMI’d up to the hilt. My Mind has been blown to pieces… and then those pieces have been blown up too.

I can’t even… You know, I am buzzing on the inside… I mean literally, like every cell has its own TENS machine or Thumper Wand.

Too much everything. There’s no time to think. No time to wind down. There’s no time to Sleep – and they come with Nightmares anyways.

I’m blacking out – because All of This is just Too Damned Much. I am dying inside. I don’t want to know about any of this. The Pain is Ridiculous. The Emotional Turmoil is Overwhelming and Pathetic.

I need Space. Headspace. Peace – from the Chaos, the noise, the constant haranguing. Something always has to be done. Or noted. Or talked about. There’s always a Ping. There is always someone talking. Then there’s people walking in and out of my room, as they please, talking about stuff they could message me with.

Things keep happening and going very, very wrong… A continuous chaotic cacophony of Mind-Blowing, Brain-Breaking Stress, that just seems to never, ever end

Nothing goes right. Nothing goes easy. Nothing I do is *enough. And worse of all, is that I can’t stop other people from messing with my head, giving me Meltdowns, frightening me, Badly Shocking me, or breaking The Rules and Harming MeDestructive, Harmful, Destroying.

I haven’t stopped. I’ve been going, going, going, and haven’t even barely taken a breath for myself… Everything takes time away from me. There is no rest. There is no peace to steal. There is no respite. There is no Mercy

The Agony… The abundance of TMI… It has me blacking out into hallucinating unconsciousness; one that is uncomfortable and frightening.

Physically, I can’t move. Breathing is difficult. I am “imprisoned” in my Room again. I am Resentful, Frustrated, Hateful, Forced into this… The Agony is Unbearable.

These Feels are… Heavy… And I don’t like them. I only want them to go away.

#pain #chaos #drowningfeels #sensoryoverload #agony #despairing #stressed #drained #dragondisappointment #anxiety #asd #tmi #fatigue #helplessness #aggitated #exasperation #exhaustion #frustration

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OTT TMI Overload & In The Black Hole of Pending Meltdowns…

Costa | 23°C

In Costa again… Oh, Frikkin Gods.. What a Morning… 😩😖🤯😣😱☹️ ‼️

 

I have been through the ringer… Drained of everything and more that I have, and have ever had, inside… I’ve been pushed beyond what I am really capable of coping with, dealing with, managing…

S pointed out that, Regardless, I am still managing it, because I am not actually having a Meltdown.

That’s… fair. I’m not. But it’s WW3 inside me and it’s suffocating me… 😖😣 … crushing me…


It started with sleeping in. Until nearly 1pm…! 🤬😱🤯🥺

After the last few days, and some careful planning of the day, that was so entirely unacceptable!! 🥺😖😖😖 Dear Gods, we were supposed to be in the shopping centre by then!

It destroyed my insides… Wrecked them apart and tore them, like an IED went off inside… This is was the Dragon of Disappointment going bananas inside me, and burning everything that I had inside. I was done

Somehow, S soothed me enough to help me wrap some kind of shell around the devastation, and allow me to at least try and function. Slowly, I got dressed and even managed a little makeup (even if it wasn’t exactly… great).`


However, it was late when we got out. Around 2:30pm. It was so hard for me to process this. My reasoning was, in the main, that the extra sleep — for me, at least, — was utterly pointless, and a complete waste of time.

To my horror, I had inadvertently squandered precious time outside, to sticking to a good plan for a nice and relaxing day outside — and instead spent extra hours in bed sleeping.

I have Fibromyalgia, and the symptoms that are the basic foundation of Chronic Fatigue — there is no way in hell that any of my sleep was going to be helpful, restful, recuperating, or healing. So, any “lie in” was a complete and utter waste of time.


This bugs me so much… I try to work so hard to master this damned curse inflicted upon my mind and body… and yet, still, it manages to somehow get the better of me, when I am at my weakest, to wreck havoc with my mind.

The Dragon of Disappointment is mercilessFear and Cold Terror turns everything white and frozenPanic and Horror make everything explode like devastating fireworks in an oil rig — leaving nothing in its wake but ashes and embers and ruins

It all makes my Aspic/Autie brain hurt. It goes into hyperdrive, and then destroys itself completely, and then everything else along with it.

It turns it into a blabbering mess; a pile of burned ash, slushed into a soggy mess in the torrential downpour of the storms that harm it so greatly… Until there is nothing left, and I am naught but a shell of emptiness and a robot in Shutdown.

It might be marginally better, and less destructive… but only on the outside and to other peopleBut it is still a horrific and destructive and Traumatic thing to endure, nevertheless.

It leaves its mark. It leaves it deeply — because it is not flung out into the Nether, like things are in a Meltdown. The Meltdown blows its top, and violently expels everything that you find within it that has hurt and harmed it so much, it has done this.

A Shutdown, however, Implodes, scarring everything inside, blowing everything on the inside, causing the devastation there instead. Arguably, to me and my mental health, it is worse. And even worse than that… Nobody can see it


 

I’ve done nothing to deserve all of this.

I’ve bent over backwards, and all ways, to try and be good, try and contain myself under extremely stressful and frightening circumstances.

And yet… More just keeps coming. 😖😖😖

I think I am aware now that it will probably Never End… But this Warrior is tired… Needs a little R&R from this… war of ill-health — of a broken body, a broken mind, and a broken spirit…

 

#scared #helplessness #angry #blackburn #irritated #premierinn #miserable #imprisonedfeels #furious #overwhelmed #trauma #alexithymia #dragondisappointment #exasperation #despairing #anxiety #panic #drowningfeels #fatigue #asd #confused #resentment #aggitated #dismal #caredfor #frustration #stressed #sara #exhaustion #upset #fibromyalgia #agony

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