Category Archives: CPTSD

I. Just. Cannot. Catch. A. Break. I am beyond Utterly EXHAUSTED. Another Goddamned Morning From ALL HELL…

AND I am in a LOT of pain, in my back – To make matters rather worse, the bed (Hypnos Mattress) requires flipping, and it causes a lot of pain when it’s getting soft and unsupportive.

This time it was the goddamned dogs again… Barking, even bloody howling, at the door… For Gods know what! But they were going ballistic – and Dad was doing absolutely nothing to help… They were edging on Red-Zone-Gone and he really didn’t understand this.

So – I Slid Down, All. The. Way. Down. The stairs to get to them. Souly went immediately quiet; Buddy did not. I focused on Buddy, then he went ape-shit crazy when I compronted him with a “Tch-Bite” with my hand – So, I picked him up by his collar to standing (as I do with Souly), and the damned Wackadoodle went and Nipped me… Cheeky Fuck! Cats do far worse than him when they’re chilled, so it was hardly anything to experience — but… The Damned Cheek of It!!!!

Well, He got Alpha Rolled (so much easier than Soul, who knew…!!…). Souly was pulled back because he lost his temper a bit at Buddy. Then I really let rip into them. A LOT. And I was furious with them for creating such a bloody Fracas! 

After that, some planes turned up, so they both just cowered. Not sure if it didn’t help make my point more, actually, showing something to be afraid of as part of my arse-ripping…? Well, I let them go, and had to then face the fact I had to climb my way back upstairs.

I did it – pulling one knee up at a time, leaning on the opposite side for stability, then hauling myself up each goddamned step.

I just about managed to make it up when I had to turn to comfort & soothe Souly more, for several more minutes on the stairs, when the building site noises across the road by the (former, now) primary school and Bedol land were upsetting him again, and making him bark. Apparently, he’s not a fan. Just like his Momee…

Once this was finally dealt with, I went back into my room, feeling, “Well, Now I think I am ready to get to Loughborough…!!”. 

It had all been so fast, so exhausting, so overwhelming, that I immediately went into ShutDown Mode. It took a while and a Buddy to start getting me to even start talking again.

This had all started when I was barely getting to be Awake & before I had any coffee. My first coffee was at 12:55pm. After EVERYTHING, including my ShutDown, was done with. And… Well, You’ve seen the Isobars… 999mb.

I. Am. Just… Done. Completely & Utterly. Done. So, So, So Exhausted. So, So, So Very Drained. Mentally, Psychologically Done In.

But now… There is packing to be done. Things to sort out Properly to go away for a WEEK. Last time went away for a long time was back in March, for my birthday, in Caernarfon for 10 days. And we all know how well that went…

This is also NOT the Time Of Year for all this… This is the Anniversary of EVERYTHINGS This Time Of Year. Maybe different months and years, but between October & March is when EVERYTHINGS happened at some point in time. Like the Gods just Insist I Hate This Time Of Year!

  • October 31st 2013 — The Beginning of EVERYTHINGS
  • November 2013 — Having to Move House & Settle Down in Leyton
  • November 2013 — Suffered from Pneumonia – Had to still walk the dog and ended up having to go back to work… a 4 hour Round-Trip Away
  • December 2013 — Fibromyalgia is starting it’s campaign to take hold of my body for itself
  • March 2014 — Had to give up my Job at the Brompton Hospital from being desperately ill, just before my birthday
  • May 2014 — See Pain Clinic Consultant, he wants an MRI Scan 
  • June 2014 — MRI Scan
  • November 2014 — “Officially” Diagnosed with ASD
  • February 2015 — Finally got to see the Pain Clinic Consultant re MRI Scan of lower lumbar area (Nearly 9 months later!)
  • June 2015 — Finally get “Officially” diagnosed with Fibro, then… Nothing. No followup or help given.
  • November 2015 — Dumped by Boo; Dumped with my Parents back in North Wales, at Nain & Taid’s old house.
  • December 2017 — C*****g Bitch at Roslin breaks my brain & My Very Soul
  • December 2017 — The pain in my tummy and pelvis turns into the Ripping & Searing Pain of All Mortal Agony, ripping everything inside me to shreds & leaving me Screaming at the top of my lungs in White-Hot-Agony-of-all-Agonies
  • January 2018 — Emergency Admission to Hospital. YGC Diagnose not one, but TWO different Blood Poisoning inside me, as well as Multiple Other Infections, too (Mainly Urine & Bowel, others unidentifiable).
  • March 2018 — Finally Released from hospital – the day after my birthday. Had 37th Birthday in Hospital.
  • October 2018 — Pain Clinic finally comes through with Physio+Therapy Treatment option for me, with a date. But then, CHANGE the date – to January 2019!
  • January 2019 — Unable to cope anymore with this appt hanging over my head, just shortly after the Anniversary of that Bitch in Roslin – Had Nervous Breakdown in the end. Had desperately tried to get Mam to agree that I shouldn’t go… But it was too little too late when she finally did cancel it — AFTER I’d had said breakdown
  • October 2019 — Have been dissociative and derealising since January, and now it’s going Supernova because it’s That Time Of Year, Again…

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October 01, 2019 3:47 pm

Glan Dulyn | 11°C

I talked to Mam. A lot. When she really puts her “Momee Hat” on, she manages to completely disassemble things that completely baffle and “Bewilder” (her word; a very good word…) into perspective, in a way that is so proficient and clear, I am able to file it away or use it in my own… Analyses. 

This time… It was BPD – but ALSO… She answered the biggest head-fuck of my life: The BEWILDERMENT, TORMENT and UTTER & COMPLETE MIND-FUCK of just how I went from My Life In London to… Well, THIS

And it ALL started — NOT JUST THAT — with… ASD.

Or rather, the lack of willing support, understanding, help, kindness, patience, and Diagnosis of it. NO ONE KNEW. 

 

And from the beginning… Basically…

 

I Was Born To Die.

To Suffer… 

To Be Tormented…

To Fail.

I. Never. Stood. A. Single. Chance. In. Hell…

 

The lack of everything I ever needed for ASD was NOT THERE.

 

Instead, I became more and more terrified, confused, befuddled… AND TRAUMATISED > THAT TRAUMA CREATED BPD, in a child who became terrified of Abandonment, of the Emotions that Erupted because of it that SHE DIDN’T — COULDN’T!! — EVER UNDERSTAND, of the confusion that NEVER EVER MADE ANY SENSE… This list keeps going on, and on, and ON…

I. WAS. ALWAYS. DOOMED. TO. FAILIURE.

And everything spiralled from there.

No one was able to stop my Nightmare Crucible from happening when I was a child.

There was no one there to tell me to go to the Docs to seek help before Pneumonia started… or to stop me from doing what I did afterwards whilst I had it.

I had to leave Finsbury Park and the only person who could & would have done that… 

There was no one there to help me in Leyton when I got sicker & sicker… The NE London Foundation Trust was just as sick as I was

There was no one to help me stop the BPD from taking over, the sicker and sicker I got, or to keep EDI Online… Because NO ONE HAD A GODDAMNED CLUE ABOUT EITHER OF THEM…

And so… There we go. Here we are. Biggest Question Now: What to do with said information? Obviously, it’s a new Filter, for nearly pretty much Everything to be processed through.

Processing the Data will take time… That’s a lot of crunching, even for a Supercomputer(!). I’m not Quite Quantum… Yet…(!)

#resentment #uncomfortable #personalinsights #trauma #uncertainty #scared #confused #overwhelmed #sad #mam #disassociation #illness #selfawareness #cptsd #pain #aggitated #panic #terrified #anguish #miserable #helplessness #exhaustion #waitingfordoom #upset #crushingfeels #disturbed #mixedfeels #independence #asd #depression #ptsd #imprisonedfeels #mentalhealth #disability #stressed #anxiety #selfcare #memories #inspiring #despairing #alexithymia #aspie #hypervigilance #bpd #skittish #distressed #caredfor #paranoid #drained #fatigue #vibratingscared #grief #chaos

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September 30, 2019 4:18 pm

4 Glandulyn | 15°C





Living with ASD, Alexithymia, (C)PTSD, BPD, Depression…

Extracts on BPD CPTSD…

 

 

#alexithymia #asd #anxiety #cptsd #bpd #depression #ptsd #aggitated #anguish #aspie

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