First Consequences of Cancelled Surgery…

… And this is only the beginning of them…

I’m SO exhausted and in So Much Fucking Pain, that I am Severely Blacking Out again — as I have been all day… 

I am looking at having to suffer through a Third Sleepless Night In A Row… And I just can’t get my head around it. This obviously shouldn’t be happening — this should have already been All Over With By Now…

The Utterly, Utterly brain-exploding Blinding White Agony has been tormenting me all day… Like last night. And yesterday. And the night before that. And the day before that…

Immensely Agonising, Unrelenting, Cruel, Exhsusting… These Spasms have kept me awake for two entire nights, consecutively…  Never ending. Needing to sit through immensely intense, unbearable, bladder spasms.

Screaming and writhing for even more days after that stupid thing should have been removed and Replaced… 

My head is Spinning… I literally cannot see straight   — my eyesight wavers and twitches rapidly, blanks out, cannot focus… And all I want to do is to go to Sleep… 

I have been Blacking Out All Goddamned Day… It’s been horrible. So stressful. So Anxiety-Inducing… I am Vibrating from the Physical & Emotional Stress — and unable do to much of anything except have to endure the Agony Ripping through my body, every time  a  Spasm explodes inside…

My lower back is in Horrendous Pain; most of this is stemming from the fact I need to go Make… And. I. Just. Cannot. Go…!!!! Even trying, it could only just come right out wo…

I can’t lie down — or even sit up — in bed, because of the Spasms… One wrong breath and the damned Catheter will Shove itself the fuck out.  

Getting annihilated by wanting to do something good for myself…. How utterly cruel can you get…?

As long as I am doing something, something that involves some physical challenges involving some effort — like building a squares cupboard, and having to rearrange your bedroom to re-rig your computer — then I am playing with Fire. Brilliant-White Mind-Exploding Agonising was Fire.

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The Corona Effect…

So… The Rest Of The World Finally Has To Find Out How It Feels To Be Unemployed, Housebound & Helpless…

In the blink of an eye, overnight, without warning…
Your. Entire. Life. As. You. Know. It. Has.

Completely. Vanished.
Without Warning.

Covid-19 — CoronaVirus — is forcing people to face what it feels like to have your life dissolved, taken away from you, without you getting a single goddamned say in it…

One moment everything was perfectly normal, and you had nothing to worry about but normal life stuff… Then — Snap! It’s all so very suddenly just Gone…

Perhaps, now, at least, we might get a little more Empathy & Understanding when it comes with our own circumstances, given those of us who have no choice, will not be walking away when their Three Months‘ Quarantine is done.

For the last Six and a Half Years — and especially for the last three years I’ve not been able to walk at all — I’ve believed that Life has become way too surreal…

Somehow… Now… That experience and sensation has actually been surpassed even more, by the latest turn of events with the CoronaVirus Lockdown.

I think I suspect that I’m shutting down on talking, discussing, messaging, writing, blogging, right now, because I simply do not wish to acknowledge or remember what it’s like to… Exist… right now..

And I wish that was because of a stupid CoronaVirus… That’s the least interesting thing at the moment to me… If anything, the rules are everything I’ve ever wanted or dreamed of, especially as a confused child and teenager… I mean, seriously… Where the hell was this thing when I was younger?!! NO going outside! NO being around people! NO going to the shops! NO Visitors! NO Gatherings! NO Travelling! NO CROWDS! NO TOUCHING!! NO SCHOOL!!! SOCIAL DISTANCING!! 

Crikey…I’d have been freaking Bouncing…!

Guess I might be one of the few Auties who’s actually Not having their lives disrupted and destroyed at the moment…? Am I one of the few people in general where life pretty much just goes on as normal…?

If I was living my life as I had been, I’d have been utterly, utterly distraught and destroyed… And I know that, because I already went through it Six and a Half Years Ago, when all this and more was taken from me, forced upon me, and annihilated life as I knew it…

It’s taken me this long to even start thinking about the possibility of Acceptance for it… And the Frustration, Resentment, Anger, Fear; they’re all still raw, alive and well…

Clearly, I’m going to get a PhD in this Isolation and Social Distancing after all the years of practice I’ve had here…! I’ve been trapped in my room, in this house, for over Five Years…

Seriously, parts of me thinks it is darkly, ironically Hilarious how people are panicking and Stockpiling (toilet roll…??! Really, crazy people?!!) at the thought of having to be isolated at home for a period of time, as of its the Apocalypse or 28 Days Later… I mean, come on, it really isn’t worth so much Drama!

It’s just 12 WEEKS people! Three MONTHS! … I’ve been doing this for 6 YEARS… And I’ve survived. Ish… And, suddenly, I’m the one looking at others with pity and distain for freaking out about doing something I just do every day…

Come and live in Our World, People…! Here, this is All. Normal…! (So just get on with it, like we do..? Like you all Expect, us to...?)

Seeing people bemoaning the fact they’re in self-isolation online, that they’re forced to not see people, forced to not work, forced to only see family over Video Call, even forced out of work because you cannot leave the house… Well… This is how I live… and I never have received any sympathies, extended support, or outreach because of it, and have clearly been expected just to… suck it up…

So… Shouldn’t. Everybody. Else. Now…?

Well, of course the answer to that is No… It wasn’t right to expect me to, and not right to expect everyone else to… But, my point is the hypocritical attitudes of people… When it was “just me”, I was ignored or pitied… Left to my own devices to just do it. It was a “Sad and Unfortunate” situation. — “Oh, dear, you poor thing… Now let me just get on with my life…”

But now it is they who are also so suddenly forced into the same situation…?

Well, now it’s suddenly up unimaginable to people that they have to so suddenly live this way… So… WHY is it only NOW all this is so TERRIBLE? It wasn’t so terrible to them when it was all forced onto me… and plenty of others who are also in the same situation.

Oh, and you know what else all us housebound and ill people didn’t do….?

FREAKING STOCKPILE!!!!

“Normal” people, “Able” people, “Healthy” people… They Are All Hating This. Others are pouring and heaping their sympathies on them, wishing them well, offering support, being kind…Where they hell was all that when I was suddenly permanently housebound? Where the hell was the sympathies and kindness and understanding from people when there was no more going out or being normal ever again when I could no longer leave?

It wasn’t there, because people didn’t want to think about it, or be associated with it, or acknowledged.

Where was the extra support when my already fragile mental health was Destroyed by being room-bound, helpless, imprisoned, isolated, and really ill…? Over the YEARS…? 

It wasn’t there, because they didn’t want to know. Or didn’t understand. Or if frightened them too much to think about it, or to be faced with it. Now, of course, those very people will expect (or at least hope for) the very same sympathy and support they refused to give others, when devastating illness or conditions controlled, broke, and confined those people, when they became too ill or controlled to do anything anymore...

I’m not the only one by far with lifelong or long-term chronic illness or condition that’s had scowly-faces, derogatory remarks, heavy exasperation, being told to (effectively), “buck up, it’s not that bad having to be home all day”, or people dropping out of your life because you don’t do anything or go anywhere any more..?

Now… Everybody gets to understand just what this is like — Being imprisoned within a small building. With other people. Unable to leave, unless it’s exceptional circumstances. Forced into it, because if you don’t you’re going to pay, or you’ll affect others negatively, or you’ll have to suffer the consequences by being very, very poorly… 

Literally nothing about my life has changed. This is my life. Now everyone else gets to see what it’s like.

• When they’re forced to stay indoors and not leave their home.
• Imprisoned because “they’re in a vulnerable condition” & Forced to rely on others who aren’t.
• Forced into being separated from Family & Friends
• Forcibly prevented from going out to places, meeting up with friends or family. 
• Forced into living on the Internet for all forms of actions, reaching out and even communicating with friends and family.
• Forced into No Travelling. 
• Forced into knowing that if they left, they’re making themselves prone to being really ill or even dying. 

WELCOME. TO. MY. LIFE.

WELCOME. TO. HOW. SO. MANY. PEOPLE. WITH. CHRONIC, TERMINAL, DANGEROUS, ILLNESSES & CONDITIONS. LIVE. 

EVERY. FREAKING. GODDAMNED. DAY. FOREVER. 

  
THE SELF-ISOLATERS will get to GO BACK TO NORMAL.

THEY only have to do it for a FEW MONTHS.

THE REST OF US TO WHOM THIS EXISTENCE IS OUR LIVES…

WELL… WE. NEVER. EVER. WILL.

JUST… THINK ABOUT THAT. 

… Just Imagine That Was You…

So… Now, Everyone gets to live this shit… They get to understand why we’re angry, frustrated, depressed, hopeless, Helpless… Bored… you feel when in this situation…

 Now, they are in the same boat…

Except, y’know… They have a set time-frame. They will get to go back to normal. They will get out again. They will be freed from this prison. 

I. Won’t.

We. Won’t.

BETRAYED — BY CORONAVIRUS & NHS

I go through this Crap-Ass Existence in as much silence as possible these days… It’s easier, because writing about it requires Processing that I cannot manage anymore — a fact which hurts me and depresses me, because I’ve always used writing to deal with things my entire life…

BUT this time, I feel things have gone too far, and I finally REALLY have something to say…

Yes, many people are ill and some have succumbed to Coronavirus… BUT… do they have to Further Destroy what non-life that I have left because of it? I may as well catch it — I have no life. Barely an existence… And now they’ve taken the ONE THING that could have helped give me at least a little bit of my pathetic existence back…

THEY CANCELLED MY SURGICAL OP FROM GODDAMNED CORONAVIRUS…

They called me TODAY – It was going to be on FRIDAY… 😠

I have waited For. OVER. TWO. YEARS… Had FOUR PRE-OP APPOINTMENTS since getting my Initial Consultation Appointment — in FEB 2019 — after waiting ONE YEAR for that alone! One of them was for Haematology for blood tests and Clotting Preparation, because it was FINALLY going ahead…!

All I needed was a SIMPLE SUPRAPUBIC to make my life even slightly worth living… I WAS SO GODDAMNED CLOSE…!!!

I am… DEVASTATED…

My poor Aspie Autistic brain cannot deal with all this… My Mental Health is already virtually destroyed having to deal with this catheter situation… I don’t even know HOW to process this now… Having it come out on its own from constant agonising spasms, and doing it anywhere from 45 MINUTES to 3 weeks… It’s CRIPPLING & LIFE DESTROYING.

I do nothing but barely exist. I am a slave to this… Constant agony, loads of extra meds just to try and keep it from shoving itself out straight away… I had to be up in the middle of the night to about 4am on my BIRTHDAY for a nurse to come and shove one back in… and don’t get me started on the 24/7 agony of the bladder spasms, where I can’t even move and barely breathe… All day. Every day. For Two Years. And now Counting… That’s on top of paralysing and agonising Fibromyalgia and Hemiplegic Migraine, and a bunch of other crap to go along with them…

I was due to have it by LAST AUGUST… and yet, March 2020 (7 MONTHS LATER, from that) I’m being CANCELLED ON.

Oh — and not even God himself knows if or when I will ever get it done in the future now, too… Yes, they basically verified that with me when I asked, ”When I am going to have it then?”…

Right now… I am doing my level best to fight a Screaming, Hating, Horrified & Terrifying Meltdown… It’s there, bubbling away inside me from Panic, Dragon of Disappointment, Horrified Realisation & Understanding… And the utterly Devastating realisation I’m going to have to suffer through this now quite probably for Many More Months To Come…

Even my dog (and he’s a rather thick Staffy) knows very well they are NOT going to prioritise Coronavirus-Cancelled surgeries over the Regular, Normal Ones already booked in for whatever time it is that this insanity ends… We are going to be pushed back and slotted in, wherever they can shove and stuff us — regardless of the fact we were Technically There First…

This is Definitely where Alexithymia Really puts me up shit’s creek without a paddle… I do Not know what to do with myself… I am a screaming mess, trapped inside my own head, and trapped inside my own body, with a million things suffocating me inside, without a goddamned clue as to what most of them are… It’s bloody goddamned Terrifying…

I think I figured out a few… I have a book, so I’m trying to learn better… They’re in the Tags at the bottom… I’ve been punched in the gut and betrayed again and again and again by the NHS, and now this Really, Really Screws With My Head… And I Really, Really Don’t Want a Meltdown…

I literally do not know how to deal with this. I feel sick… Sickened… Right to my stomach. My Depression, Despair, Anguish, Grief… are all threatening to go ape-shit, and I am genuinely struggling with figuring out where the Point of Being Alive just Stops. I am more than well aware that if I were a cat, I’d have been put down a Long Time Ago, because it would have been the Merciful thing to do, since my Quality of Life would be Zero, and all I would ever experience was Pain… So, I wonder where that line for Humans really is…

I Hurt… Inside and Out… In my Heart and in my Soul. I am Scared…. And I am SO, SO Goddamned Exhausted… Having this form of Catheter is my Existence now…. Dictates everything… And now, I have to Continue to be a Prisoner In My Own Body, after being so ridiculously close…

And to make it even worse now? There’s no Paracetamol to be found, or virtually impossible to find!

Everyone is. “Stocking Up”…. and WHY? What is actually WRONG with THEM?

WITHOUT THE PARACETAMOL my Pain Meds WILL NOT WORK PROPERLY… I will be in even MORE agony — first I have to keep with this catheter Pain, now it has to be worse, because people want to have a caseload “JUST IN CASE”? My AGONY is NOW… and I just feel…

DEFEATED.

🥺😢🥺🤬😖

I. Just. Cannot. Catch. A. Break. I am beyond Utterly EXHAUSTED. Another Goddamned Morning From ALL HELL…

AND I am in a LOT of pain, in my back – To make matters rather worse, the bed (Hypnos Mattress) requires flipping, and it causes a lot of pain when it’s getting soft and unsupportive.

This time it was the goddamned dogs again… Barking, even bloody howling, at the door… For Gods know what! But they were going ballistic – and Dad was doing absolutely nothing to help… They were edging on Red-Zone-Gone and he really didn’t understand this.

So – I Slid Down, All. The. Way. Down. The stairs to get to them. Souly went immediately quiet; Buddy did not. I focused on Buddy, then he went ape-shit crazy when I compronted him with a “Tch-Bite” with my hand – So, I picked him up by his collar to standing (as I do with Souly), and the damned Wackadoodle went and Nipped me… Cheeky Fuck! Cats do far worse than him when they’re chilled, so it was hardly anything to experience — but… The Damned Cheek of It!!!!

Well, He got Alpha Rolled (so much easier than Soul, who knew…!!…). Souly was pulled back because he lost his temper a bit at Buddy. Then I really let rip into them. A LOT. And I was furious with them for creating such a bloody Fracas! 

After that, some planes turned up, so they both just cowered. Not sure if it didn’t help make my point more, actually, showing something to be afraid of as part of my arse-ripping…? Well, I let them go, and had to then face the fact I had to climb my way back upstairs.

I did it – pulling one knee up at a time, leaning on the opposite side for stability, then hauling myself up each goddamned step.

I just about managed to make it up when I had to turn to comfort & soothe Souly more, for several more minutes on the stairs, when the building site noises across the road by the (former, now) primary school and Bedol land were upsetting him again, and making him bark. Apparently, he’s not a fan. Just like his Momee…

Once this was finally dealt with, I went back into my room, feeling, “Well, Now I think I am ready to get to Loughborough…!!”. 

It had all been so fast, so exhausting, so overwhelming, that I immediately went into ShutDown Mode. It took a while and a Buddy to start getting me to even start talking again.

This had all started when I was barely getting to be Awake & before I had any coffee. My first coffee was at 12:55pm. After EVERYTHING, including my ShutDown, was done with. And… Well, You’ve seen the Isobars… 999mb.

I. Am. Just… Done. Completely & Utterly. Done. So, So, So Exhausted. So, So, So Very Drained. Mentally, Psychologically Done In.

But now… There is packing to be done. Things to sort out Properly to go away for a WEEK. Last time went away for a long time was back in March, for my birthday, in Caernarfon for 10 days. And we all know how well that went…

This is also NOT the Time Of Year for all this… This is the Anniversary of EVERYTHINGS This Time Of Year. Maybe different months and years, but between October & March is when EVERYTHINGS happened at some point in time. Like the Gods just Insist I Hate This Time Of Year!

• October 31st 2013 — The Beginning of EVERYTHINGS
• November 2013 — Having to Move House & Settle Down in Leyton
• November 2013 — Suffered from Pneumonia – Had to still walk the dog and ended up having to go back to work… a 4 hour Round-Trip Away
• December 2013 — Fibromyalgia is starting it’s campaign to take hold of my body for itself
• March 2014 — Had to give up my Job at the Brompton Hospital from being desperately ill, just before my birthday
• May 2014 — See Pain Clinic Consultant, he wants an MRI Scan 
• June 2014 — MRI Scan
• November 2014 — “Officially” Diagnosed with ASD
• February 2015 — Finally got to see the Pain Clinic Consultant re MRI Scan of lower lumbar area (Nearly 9 months later!)
• June 2015 — Finally get “Officially” diagnosed with Fibro, then… Nothing. No followup or help given.
• November 2015 — Dumped by Boo; Dumped with my Parents back in North Wales, at Nain & Taid’s old house.
• December 2017 — C*****g Bitch at Roslin breaks my brain & My Very Soul
• December 2017 — The pain in my tummy and pelvis turns into the Ripping & Searing Pain of All Mortal Agony, ripping everything inside me to shreds & leaving me Screaming at the top of my lungs in White-Hot-Agony-of-all-Agonies
• January 2018 — Emergency Admission to Hospital. YGC Diagnose not one, but TWO different Blood Poisoning inside me, as well as Multiple Other Infections, too (Mainly Urine & Bowel, others unidentifiable).
• March 2018 — Finally Released from hospital – the day after my birthday. Had 37th Birthday in Hospital.
• October 2018 — Pain Clinic finally comes through with Physio+Therapy Treatment option for me, with a date. But then, CHANGE the date – to January 2019!
• January 2019 — Unable to cope anymore with this appt hanging over my head, just shortly after the Anniversary of that Bitch in Roslin – Had Nervous Breakdown in the end. Had desperately tried to get Mam to agree that I shouldn’t go… But it was too little too late when she finally did cancel it — AFTER I’d had said breakdown
• October 2019 — Have been dissociative and derealising since January, and now it’s going Supernova because it’s That Time Of Year, Again…

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October 01, 2019 3:47 pm

Glan Dulyn | 11°C

I talked to Mam. A lot. When she really puts her “Momee Hat” on, she manages to completely disassemble things that completely baffle and “Bewilder” (her word; a very good word…) into perspective, in a way that is so proficient and clear, I am able to file it away or use it in my own… Analyses. 

This time… It was BPD – but ALSO… She answered the biggest head-fuck of my life: The BEWILDERMENT, TORMENT and UTTER & COMPLETE MIND-FUCK of just how I went from My Life In London to… Well, THIS…

And it ALL started — NOT JUST THAT — with… ASD.

Or rather, the lack of willing support, understanding, help, kindness, patience, and Diagnosis of it. NO ONE KNEW. 

 

And from the beginning… Basically…

 

I Was Born To Die.

To Suffer… 

To Be Tormented…

To Fail.

I. Never. Stood. A. Single. Chance. In. Hell…

 

The lack of everything I ever needed for ASD was NOT THERE.

 

Instead, I became more and more terrified, confused, befuddled… AND TRAUMATISED > THAT TRAUMA CREATED BPD, in a child who became terrified of Abandonment, of the Emotions that Erupted because of it that SHE DIDN’T — COULDN’T!! — EVER UNDERSTAND, of the confusion that NEVER EVER MADE ANY SENSE… This list keeps going on, and on, and ON…

I. WAS. ALWAYS. DOOMED. TO. FAILIURE.

And everything spiralled from there.

No one was able to stop my Nightmare Crucible from happening when I was a child.

There was no one there to tell me to go to the Docs to seek help before Pneumonia started… or to stop me from doing what I did afterwards whilst I had it.

I had to leave Finsbury Park and the only person who could & would have done that… 

There was no one there to help me in Leyton when I got sicker & sicker… The NE London Foundation Trust was just as sick as I was…

There was no one to help me stop the BPD from taking over, the sicker and sicker I got, or to keep EDI Online… Because NO ONE HAD A GODDAMNED CLUE ABOUT EITHER OF THEM…

And so… There we go. Here we are. Biggest Question Now: What to do with said information? Obviously, it’s a new Filter, for nearly pretty much Everything to be processed through.

Processing the Data will take time… That’s a lot of crunching, even for a Supercomputer(!). I’m not Quite Quantum… Yet…(!)

#resentment #uncomfortable #personalinsights #trauma #uncertainty #scared #confused #overwhelmed #sad #mam #disassociation #illness #selfawareness #cptsd #pain #aggitated #panic #terrified #anguish #miserable #helplessness #exhaustion #waitingfordoom #upset #crushingfeels #disturbed #mixedfeels #independence #asd #depression #ptsd #imprisonedfeels #mentalhealth #disability #stressed #anxiety #selfcare #memories #inspiring #despairing #alexithymia #aspie #hypervigilance #bpd #skittish #distressed #caredfor #paranoid #drained #fatigue #vibratingscared #grief #chaos

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September 30, 2019 4:18 pm

4 Glandulyn | 15°C

Living with ASD, Alexithymia, (C)PTSD, BPD, Depression…

Extracts on BPD & CPTSD…

 

 

#alexithymia #asd #anxiety #cptsd #bpd #depression #ptsd #aggitated #anguish #aspie

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Changes…

 | 14°C |

Brain so traumatised flashbacks are so very easy to trigger… So many things inside my head, burning it, terrorising it.

Living with horrors, with so much actual real physical agony pain, the agony of emotions & Feels, I can’t help the Symptoms of Trauma coming back to haunt me… 😢😣😔

The  chaos, the “Landfill”, the lack of control, the despairing desperation of just things thrown on top of each other – simply because pain makes it too unbearable to sort it out or put things away properly… It’s everything I was… I don’t really think I am quite that anymore, and coming slowly out of it.

But still, things are yet to be available to me — like being able to move completely freely (within the confines that I have), to be able to manage to do things without paying in pain afterwards, to think clearly (for all “EDI” being here, powering “her” takes extreme effort and energy I quite often do not have at all, and when she whirrs up & powers on, to use herself automatically, the exhaustion and drained emptiness inside is more than Real…), to physically do what are still quite demanding things… Despite being stronger, despite being without that level of pain, it’s still difficult. Draining. Demoralising. Downright Confusing.

All these things come with Feels I do not like, and certainly do not understand. None of this makes sense to me — and at least what I have found out recently has answered a lot of questions I had about this, so at least now, it’s a lot less scary for this to actually happen. If Still Not Just As Confusing…

When you have Alexithymia and ASD, the strong and confusing Feels that come from having absolutely terrifying conditions run by high-rate emotions, is downright goddamned Terrifying…

CPTSD triggers traumatic emotions, responses, reminders, Flashbacks, Fears, … All things that to someone who barely knows Feels even exist, is utterly, utterly bewildering, terrifying… & Out of my Depth, and WAY out of my Control…

BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)… All the things I read in what that makes your brain do, is right there in me… And without knowing all of that — it’s been utterly, completely, mind-blowingly off-the-charts Confusing & White-Hot Terrifying…

Now I know there are these… Gaps… inside me & my Brain, I realise that maybe, like Lolli keeping saying, I never will truly understand them… But at least now I know where the are coming from, which is a goddamned BIG DEAL. Like an Epiphany. Boo also said, when I showed her BPD, “Did you write this…?”, because it described everything that nothing else seemed to quite cover — the extent of my behaviour didn’t correlate with what was already “normal” for ASD.

Like the Alexithymia — ASD people have difficulty with Feels, but they figure it out. I never have, and Now I know that I never will. It’s a relief to know. It’s a relief to know about the others, too. There might be no changing their… “Quirks”… However, there are plenty of ways to balance them out and manage them. Understand them.

It makes a Difference.

It makes All the Sodding Difference In The World…

… It’s just that… Right Now… I Just Have No Idea Where To Even Start With It…

#aggitated #anxiety #dismal #confused #frustration #disturbed #asd #alexithymia #upset #bpd #distressed #trauma

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Borderline Personality Curiosity…

| 23°C |

I Still Can’t Quite Process This…

Borderline Personality Disorder

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

It is Imperative to know… However…

ASD, Alexithymia, perhaps even BDP Itself, disallows me to be able to manage to process anything about knowing it, understanding it, or thinking about progressively accepting & researching this…

Well… No there’s problem Accepting it… It explains everything OTT inside me that ASD just doesn’t do to that extent. Like the Alexithymia takes lack of emotional understanding to a whole new level. 

Disassociation. Extreme Fatigue. Confusion. Exhaustion. Traumatised & Demoralised. Therefore… No chance of processing something so big & shiny-new…

But… I guess it’s the same rules as ASD and the Lexi… These thing are an “is” — the symptoms, the effects, what it does to your brain… Then figure out “workarounds”… Right…?

The other thing is… Formal diagnosis or not? The ASD was mind-blowingly life-changing. But this…? When it’s a co-morbid secondary issue, I’m not sure if it’s really worth it. There’s nothing they can really do about it, is there…? Well, I mean, not for me… Specifically. Not in general. Other people can take the treatments listed. But I cannot. 

The information alone is worth more than anything else. Easier to fight or control an enemy you’re not only aware of, but know everything about. 

What to do… This is tough one. It should be a no-brainer… But after my life, my life-experiences? Decades of everything going wrong when it comes to these things… I’ve been burned so many times, inside I’m more like a crispy corpse. I’d have naught but scar tissue everywhere from the burns. I have no space left for more, now.

I’m kinda done with formal NHS Metal Health, now. Including this, possibly. Probably? It’s still a Question-Mark. Maybe it’s important to have. Or at least to know. For certain? But it’s a weird psychological issue again, and again another debated about everywhere. Not understood properly.

Might it bring more understanding, more relief, like the ASD one did? That there’s a “Name” for all this terrifying, horrific things inside me that lash out and terrify my ASD & Alexithymia more than half to death? 

I hate these questions. I hate that they even are questions. I used to know the answers before they were even posed. 

I’m not here. And I am terrified…

#research #panic #pictures #frustration #anguish #selfawareness #feels #personalinsights #suffocatingfeels #sad #drowningfeels #uncomfortable #uncertainty #drained #disturbed #upset #weird #asd #alexithymia #anxiety #overwhelmed #distressed #confused #disassociation #stressed #helplessness #exhaustion #researching #aggitated #fatigue #bpd #tmi

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