Tag: Depression

Nothing To… Something?

Posted on by delphinemusic in Alexithymia, anguish, anxiety, ASD, autistic, Autistic Burnout, blackouts, chronic illness, Chronic Pain, Chronic Paraesthesia, CPTSD, despairing, devestated, dismal, distressed, Dysphagia, exasperation, exhaustion, fatigue, Fibromyalgia, Fibroplegia, frustration, grief, helplessness, Illness & Depression, imprisonedfeels, independence, inspiring, Mental Health, miserable, Music, PTSD, ptsd, stress, trauma, trauma

And now I'm just Dead Inside wondering WHY I KEEP TRYING to DO things... Have to RELY on people to TAKE ME PLACES. TO EAT. SHOP. COOK. GET DRESSED. GET MY PAD CHANGED. TIDY OR CLEAN MY ROOM. TAKE OUT THE TRASH FROM THE ROOM. PUT THINGS AWAY... EVERYTHING THAT'S HUMANE, USUAL, THAT I USED TO DO WITHOUT A SECOND THOGHT & IN MY OWN HOME..... But Now... That's ALL Changed. Instead, I am left unable to do almost anythig, INFANALISED. IMPRISONED. IMPERFECT.BROKEN.

Aftermath

Posted on by delphinemusic in Agony, angry, anguish, anxiety, autistic, Autistic Burnout, blackouts, catheter, chronic illness, Chronic Pain, Chronic Paraesthesia, CPTSD, despairing, devestated, disaster, distressed, districtnurses, disturbed, dragondisappointment, drained, Dysphagia, Eating Disorders, exasperation, exhaustion, fatigue, Fibromyalgia, Fibroplegia, frustration, furious, grief, headache, healthcare, Illness & Depression, Mental Health, mentalhealth, miserable, mixedfeels, nhsdirect, numbness, occutherpist, PTSD, ptsd, Stamina & Energy, stress, suprapubic catheter, trauma, trauma

I'm no better but at least I don't seem to be any worse...? Spasms in legs went yesterday - now they're even more Useless than usual, and I can't do almost ANYTHING, because they're not back. I have nothing but the very top part of me - as in the top of my shoulders, arms, hands (sort of) & fingers (... ish. Barely). ... I HATE it when this happens because I'm about as Broken as I get in This State - and there is absolutely NOTHING I can DO about it except wait and see IF it ever comes back.......

Just… Too Much.

Posted on by delphinemusic in anxiety, asthma, autistic, Autistic Burnout, badthings, chronic illness, Chronic Pain, Chronic Paraesthesia, concerned, confused, CPTSD, despairing, devestated, distressed, drained, Dysphagia, Eating Disorders, exhaustion, fatigue, Fibromyalgia, frustration, grief, healthcare, helplessness, hospital, hypervigilance, Illness & Depression, irritated, medication, Mental Health, overwhelmed, personalinsights, PTSD, ptsd, Stamina & Energy, stress, stressed, terrified, trauma, trauma, Treatments

Nightmares not only refuse to let me go, but seem to make a point of utterly grabbing me and drowning me... And one of the hardest things is trying to wade my way through the waking solid nightmare of Dysphagia. There's no medication that makes it easier or better, nothing I can take that might help in some way. There's actually nothing I can do to fix it, even.

Hard To Swallow

Posted on by delphinemusic in anxiety, autistic, Autistic Burnout, chronic illness, Chronic Pain, Chronic Paraesthesia, concerned, confused, CPTSD, despairing, devestated, disassociation, disaster, dismal, distressed, Dysphagia, Eating Disorders, food, frustration, headache, healthcare, helplessness, Illness & Depression, premierinn, PTSD, ptsd, stress, stressed, terrified, trauma, trauma, upset, vibratingscared

Dysphagia is absolutely the Disaster That Keeps On Harming. Every day for a week I've once again spent a long time trying to cough up harmful things from my lungs, without the energy or physical ability to really actually do so... And now I am SO WRECKED I can hardly breathe because of it now... … Continue reading Hard To Swallow →

DEGRADATION & Deterioraion…

Posted on by delphinemusic in aggitated, angry, anguish, anniversary, anxiety, ASD, aspie, autistic, Autistic Burnout, badthings, blackouts, catheter, chronic illness, Chronic Pain, Chronic Paraesthesia, concerned, confused, CPTSD, crushingfeels, despairing, devestated, dignity, disability, disassociation, disaster, dismal, distressed, disturbed, dragondisappointment, drained, drowningfeels, exhaustion, fatigue, Fibromyalgia, grief, Hair, hair dye, Hair Washing, healthcare, helplessness, Illness & Depression, inhell, Mental Health, mentalhealth, miserable, overwhelmed, pain, PTSD, ptsd, Resentment, sad, scared, selfawareness, sensoryoverload, Stamina & Energy, stress, stressed, suprapubic catheter, trauma, trauma

I feel like I Am Drowning... Suffocating... In Claustrophobic PANIC. Panic Attacks of fear, panic itself, shock, grief... It's been TEN YEARS since this first started... and in those Ten Years I have lost the ability to control Just About Everything that's in my body and my life.# I've lost my body. I have lost my voice. I have lost the ability … Continue reading DEGRADATION & Deterioraion… →

Choking On Burnout

Posted on by delphinemusic in anguish, anxiety, autistic, Autistic Burnout, blackouts, chronic illness, Chronic Pain, Chronic Paraesthesia, concerned, CPTSD, despairing, devestated, disability, disassociation, disaster, distressed, disturbed, drained, Eating Disorders, exhaustion, fatigue, Fibromyalgia, Fibroplegia, food, food, frustration, grief, helplessness, hypervigilance, Illness & Depression, imprisonedfeels, infection, medication, mentalhealth, miserable, nausea, overwhelmed, panic, PTSD, ptsd, scared, sensoryoverload, Soul the Dog, spasms, storms, stress, stressed, suffocatingfeels, tmi, trauma, trauma, Treatments, uncertainty, uncomfortable, upset, vibratingscared, Weather/Isobars

The Anxiety is overwhelming -- and there seems no way of turning off that Churning In the pit of my stomach every time meds are due now... And obviously that makes it worse and a Catch-22 pile of crap that seems Utterly Impossible to stop spinning... SEVEN TIMES I Aspirated In One Day... SEVEN. Each time it happens, the pressure is so intense in my body, it pushes the bowel down, and sometimes even nearly out, as well, which is a horrible physical pain/intense sensation to also deal with alongside the rest of it.

Storm Agnes – More Destruction Than What’s Just Outside

Posted on by delphinemusic in aggitated, Alexithymia, anguish, anxiety, ASD, Asperger, autistic, Autistic Burnout, badthings, badweather, blackouts, chaos, chronic illness, Chronic Pain, Chronic Paraesthesia, concerned, CPTSD, despairing, devestated, disassociation, dismal, distressed, drained, drowningfeels, exasperation, exhaustion, fatigue, feelsick, Fibromyalgia, Fibroplegia, frustration, headache, healthcare, helplessness, hypervigilance, Illness & Depression, imprisonedfeels, Isobars / Air-Pressure, long COVID, Mental Health, mentalhealth, overwhelmed, pain, PTSD, ptsd, Stamina & Energy, stress, stressed, trauma, trauma, vibratingscared, weather, Weather/Isobars

These Days Are Very Dark. Bleak. Harsh, Helpless feels, all full of Hopelessness. I Question My Life... My Very Existence.And then... Storm Agnes Just Turns Up -- Out of Nowhere-- throwing me... Right Under The Bus. Struggling with brain-Fog & Exhaustion... The thought of having to do IMPORTANT things is literally making me Panic & feel physically sick with Overwhelming Anxiety & Thoughts of Hyper-Mega-Exhaustion from doing them. These Storms, the Weather &B Isobars in general Control my Fibro-Flareups - which, in turn, Controls Me.

Exhaustion Overload Unexplained

Posted on by delphinemusic in aggitated, Agony, angry, anguish, anxiety, autistic, Autistic Burnout, badday, badthings, badweather, blackouts, CFS/ME, chaos, chronic illness, Chronic Pain, Chronic Paraesthesia, CPTSD, crushingfeels, despairing, Diagnostics, disassociation, distressed, disturbed, drained, exhaustion, fatigue, feelsick, Fibromyalgia, Fibroplegia, frustration, headache, healthcare, helplessness, Illness & Depression, Isobars / Air-Pressure, mentalhealth, miserable, nausea, numbness, onedge, overwhelmed, packing, pain, painkillers, paranoid, PTSD, ptsd, scared, selfawareness, sensoryoverload, Stamina & Energy, stress, suffocatingfeels, trauma, trauma, uncertainty, uncomfortable, upset, weather

Disorientated... All Morning, been Disorientated & Disassociated... And now I've finally realised I've got Vestibular [Migraine] Dizziness and a Thick Fugue & Haze around me - can't see things properly -- like there's a very delicate mist and I've put the wrong contact lenses in... Fibro-Flareup is Getting Worse, and it's REALLY Not Good to have to go through & endure... PAIN, Stiffness, Extra-numbness, Nausea, ZoneOuts, Exhaustion.... More.... All Making Things NOT GOOD TODAY.