Tag: Alexithymia

Clues About Myself – I Don’t SEE Me(?!)

Posted on by delphinemusic in Alexithymia, ASD, autistic, Chronic Pain, Chronic Paraesthesia, confused, CPTSD, dignity, disability, disassociation, Fibromyalgia, Fibroplegia, healthcare, Hemiplegic Migraine, independence, Mental Health, PTSD, ptsd, selfawareness, selfcare, stress, trauma, trauma

I am doing something so Stupidly Mundane... But as I am doing it, it's bringing into focus something that's been a... Thing... for a Long Time for me -- but didn't actually clock-on that it WAS a Thing... Until Now. All I am doing is writing up the stupid "About You" section of a website. That's it. And that's making me realise I know Absolutely Jack Sh*t About Myself -- Subjectively, Objectively, Consciously, Subconsciously...

Black Heart Dying

Posted on by delphinemusic in aggitated, Alexithymia, angry, anguish, anxiety, autistic, badday, badthings, chronic illness, Chronic Pain, Chronic Paraesthesia, concerned, confused, CPTSD, crushingfeels, despairing, devestated, disability, disassociation, dismal, distressed, disturbed, dragondisappointment, drained, drowningfeels, exhaustion, fatigue, feelsick, Fibromyalgia, frustration, furious, grief, headache, helplessness, hypervigilance, Illness & Depression, imprisonedfeels, inhell, Isolation, lost, Mental Health, mentalhealth, miserable, numbness, overwhelmed, panic, PTSD, ptsd, Resentment, scared, sensoryoverload, Stamina & Energy, stress, stressed, suffocatingfeels, terrified, trauma, trauma, uncertainty, upset, vibratingscared, waitingfordoom

Screaming alone inside my head Grasping desperation till I'm dead Black fingers pouring threads of war From wounds that I can no longer ignore

Girl… Gone…

Posted on by delphinemusic in Alexithymia, anguish, anxiety, ASD, asd, Asperger, autistic, badthings, catheter, CFS/ME, chaos, chronic illness, Chronic Pain, concerned, confused, CPTSD, crushingfeels, despairing, devestated, dignity, disability, disassociation, dismal, distressed, disturbed, drained, drowningfeels, exasperation, exhaustion, fatigue, Fibromyalgia, frustration, furious, Gaming, grief, hypervigilance, Illness & Depression, imprisonedfeels, independence, Mental Health, mentalhealth, miserable, mixedfeels, numbness, outofhours, overwhelmed, pain, painsomnia, panic, personalinsights, PTSD, ptsd, Resentment, sad, scared, selfawareness, selfcare, sensoryoverload, stress, stressed, suffocatingfeels, techspecs, terrified, trauma, trauma, uncertainty, uncomfortable, upset

I Require Resilience... Self-Sufficiency... To Claim My Own Space -- both in my own head and to others -- yet I Cannot seem to manage that even a Little Bit anymore... I Was Born With It... And I literally don't know how to live -- even exist -- without it... And B.O.Y. Am I Without It Now...

Catheter’s Curse Forced To Continue…

Posted on by delphinemusic in Agony, Alexithymia, angry, anguish, anxiety, badday, badthings, bowel, catheter, chronic illness, Chronic Pain, crushingfeels, despairing, devestated, disassociation, dismal, distressed, disturbed, drained, exasperation, exhaustion, fatigue, Fibromyalgia, Fibroplegia, frustration, furious, helplessness, imprisonedfeels, lost, Mental Health, overwhelmed, Ramblings, Resentment, sad, sara, scared, selfawareness, selfcare, sensoryoverload, stress, suprapubic catheter

For more than Two Years I have endured my Catheter’s Torment... And I came So Damned Close to escaping it this week... Instead, I get to endure its strange ways for even longer now. There has been nothing but Blinding, Brain-Exploding, White-Hot, Agonising Pain for Days... I have had no sleep for three nights straight … Continue reading Catheter’s Curse Forced To Continue… →

BETRAYED — BY CORONAVIRUS & NHS

Posted on by delphinemusic in aggitated, Alexithymia, angry, anguish, anxiety, ASD, asd, Asperger, catheter, chronic illness, Chronic Pain, Chronic Paraesthesia, concerned, confused, CPTSD, crushingfeels, despairing, disassociation, distressed, disturbed, dragondisappointment, drained, drowningfeels, exasperation, exhaustion, Fibromyalgia, Fibroplegia, frustration, furious, grief, healthcare, helplessness, Hemiplegic Migraine, hospital, Illness & Depression, imprisonedfeels, lost, Mental Health, mentalhealth, miserable, overwhelmed, panic, PTSD, Resentment, stress, stressed, suffocatingfeels, suprapubic catheter, terrified, trauma, trauma, uncertainty, upset, vibratingscared

I go through this Crap-Ass Existence in as much silence as possible these days... It’s easier, because writing about it requires Processing that I cannot manage anymore — a fact which hurts me and depresses me, because I’ve always used writing to deal with things my entire life... BUT this time, I feel things have … Continue reading BETRAYED — BY CORONAVIRUS & NHS →

Changes…

Posted on by delphinemusic in aggitated, Alexithymia, anguish, anxiety, ASD, asd, Asperger, bpd, chronic illness, confused, despairing, devestated, disassociation, dismal, distressed, disturbed, exhaustion, fatigue, Fibromyalgia, frustration, grief, Mental Health, miserable, overwhelmed, pain, PTSD, stress, stressed, trauma, trauma, uncertainty, uncomfortable, upset

 | 14°C | Brain so traumatised flashbacks are so very easy to trigger... So many things inside my head, burning it, terrorising it. Living with horrors, with so much actual real physical agony pain, the agony of emotions & Feels, I can't help the Symptoms of Trauma coming back to haunt me... 😢😣😔 The  chaos, … Continue reading Changes… →

Painsomnia

Posted on by delphinemusic in aggitated, Agony, Alexithymia, anguish, anxiety, ASD, Asperger, aspie, chaos, chronic illness, Chronic Pain, Chronic Paraesthesia, confused, despairing, dismal, exasperation, exhaustion, fatigue, Fibromyalgia, Fibroplegia, helplessness, Hemiplegic Migraine, imprisonedfeels, Isobars / Air-Pressure, lost, Mental Health, miserable, stress, stressed, upset, weather, Weather/Isobars

For days... weeks(?)... I’ve been unable to say words in writing. My head aches at the mere thought of making sense of my Feels enough to attach actual words to them...

The One With The Near-Meltdown, Dragon of Disappointment, and Too Many Feels…

Posted on by delphinemusic in Alexithymia, anxiety, ASD, Chronic Pain, Chronic Paraesthesia, despairing, drowningfeels, exhaustion, Fibromyalgia, frustration, helplessness, lost, PTSD, ptsd, trauma

Weather | 11°C Complicated. So Much... Too Much... Feels... Too Many. ... All over the place... I don’t know what to do with them. They’re scary and confusing. I can’t even make sense out of, or even try to unravel, them...! Nightmare day before it even starts. Managing to get to sleep (as in longer than 2 hour naps), on occasion, now, … Continue reading The One With The Near-Meltdown, Dragon of Disappointment, and Too Many Feels… →