Tag Archives: feelings

Changes…

 | 14°C |

Brain so traumatised flashbacks are so very easy to trigger… So many things inside my head, burning it, terrorising it.

Living with horrors, with so much actual real physical agony pain, the agony of emotions & Feels, I can’t help the Symptoms of Trauma coming back to haunt me… 😢😣😔

The  chaos, the “Landfill”, the lack of control, the despairing desperation of just things thrown on top of each other – simply because pain makes it too unbearable to sort it out or put things away properly… It’s everything I was… I don’t really think I am quite that anymore, and coming slowly out of it.

But still, things are yet to be available to me — like being able to move completely freely (within the confines that I have), to be able to manage to do things without paying in pain afterwards, to think clearly (for all “EDI” being here, powering “her” takes extreme effort and energy I quite often do not have at all, and when she whirrs up & powers on, to use herself automatically, the exhaustion and drained emptiness inside is more than Real), to physically do what are still quite demanding things… Despite being stronger, despite being without that level of pain, it’s still difficult. Draining. Demoralising. Downright Confusing.

All these things come with Feels I do not like, and certainly do not understand. None of this makes sense to me — and at least what I have found out recently has answered a lot of questions I had about this, so at least now, it’s a lot less scary for this to actually happen. If Still Not Just As Confusing

When you have Alexithymia and ASD, the strong and confusing Feels that come from having absolutely terrifying conditions run by high-rate emotions, is downright goddamned Terrifying

CPTSD triggers traumatic emotions, responses, reminders, Flashbacks, Fears, … All things that to someone who barely knows Feels even exist, is utterly, utterly bewildering, terrifying… & Out of my Depth, and WAY out of my Control

BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)… All the things I read in what that makes your brain do, is right there in me… And without knowing all of that — it’s been utterly, completely, mind-blowingly off-the-charts Confusing & White-Hot Terrifying

Now I know there are these… Gaps… inside me & my Brain, I realise that maybe, like Lolli keeping saying, I never will truly understand them… But at least now I know where the are coming from, which is a goddamned BIG DEAL. Like an Epiphany. Boo also said, when I showed her BPD, “Did you write this…?”, because it described everything that nothing else seemed to quite cover — the extent of my behaviour didn’t correlate with what was already “normal” for ASD.

Like the Alexithymia — ASD people have difficulty with Feels, but they figure it out. I never have, and Now I know that I never will. It’s a relief to know. It’s a relief to know about the others, too. There might be no changing their… “Quirks”However, there are plenty of ways to balance them out and manage them. Understand them.

It makes a Difference.

It makes All the Sodding Difference In The World

It’s just that… Right Now… I Just Have No Idea Where To Even Start With It

#aggitated #anxiety #dismal #confused #frustration #disturbed #asd #alexithymia #upset #bpd #distressed #trauma

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The One With The Near-Meltdown, Dragon of Disappointment, and Too Many Feels…

Weather | 11°C


Complicated. So Much… Too Much… Feels… Too Many.

… All over the place


I don’t know what to do with them. They’re scary and confusing. I can’t even make sense out of, or even try to unravel, them…!


Nightmare day before it even starts. Managing to get to sleep (as in longer than 2 hour naps), on occasion, now, but dreams still come. Disturbing, or weird, or… unnerving ones. When Mam comes to wake me up, sometimes it’s a little bouncy for my sensibilities, and this was one of those times, unfortunately. I felt rather… rattled — but this is actually quite unusual for me. I don’t think I’ve reacted this badly for a while. I didn’t really do anything about it; I explained it to Mam — or tried to, at least. I don’t think I made much sense. This day was already off to a bad and complicated, confusing start.

Then the dogs were screeching everywhere, and no one downstairs was stopping the goddamned Wackadoos. Once again, I talked to Mam about it. But she got upset, and it all rather went south from there.

Mam came up, and when I tried to talk to her (apparently “in the wrong way”… 😕🤔😞 Which, for me, is unfortunately more common than I’d ever appreciate… 🤨😒), she started getting even worse with the defensive, the frustrations, and the squeaky “up tones”… which always makes me upended and upset, off any even-keel, and unable to cope. Adding that to the state I was already in before, and how I felt after this morning, and it was a nightmare waiting to happen inside my brain.

This escalated into a Meltdown Situation — just about managing to stay on the right side of sane(ish). One which I kept precariously balanced on the knife-edge of Full Blown Nuclear Volcano Meltdown, all furiously bubbling away inside me. It felt like a six-tonne boulder, that I could barely keep holding above my head. One that was threatening to fall onto my head. I was actually physically shaking from trying to keep it in check… It was agonisingly painful, both physically and emotionally/psychologically. I managed, sort-of. It stayed out of Meltdown Mode, remaining in the pending tray instead. Keeping a grip on it, keeping it up off me. I still don’t know how I succeeded.


To make matters worse, my friend S (kindly, compassionately, clearly, and “safely” … this girl should get a Bomb-Disposal medal for executing this so perfectly…!) informed me she had accidentally opened up an Amazon package that had been holding my precious birthday present — The SSD for my PC C-Drive upgrade, which has been put to one side, untouched and unopened, until such time I am ready to be able to upgrade said computer system.

… Now, I realise it should already have been done — going to Caernarfon was a big mistake, and I should have stayed home to do up my Baby. Now, he’s buried behind random stuff and mess, and I can’t get at him, to open him up and change the drives. Not only that, but because of what happened there on that “break” away, and how I am subsequently feeling because of it, I’m also in no psychological place to safely make the “brain transfer” that my Baby needs, between my original 120GB and the new 256GB SSDs.

Technically, that sanctity of that Gift has now been sacrificed after this mistake, and the packaging of the parcel is an opened mess… No More “Untouched and Unopened”… None of that for me now, for my Birthday Present from S… 🥺😫🤯😓😥 My First Birthday Present from S, with her being here with me. But, instead of being shocked or frightened by it, I am soothed and supported into hearing it and comforted whilst processing it.

This is my Friend, S

This might be the first time that something usually so… catastrophic… does not go off and explode like an IED in my head. I’m upset. I’m horrified. I’m Hugely under the shadow of the Dragon of Disappointment. It smacks me hard, and it’s pretty awful that this happened. However, as I explained, it brought the Dragon of Disappointment, yet gave it nowhere to land. There was no Valley of Terror, Panic, Shock, Trauma, etc, for it to land in. So, he’s kinda flying around there, half-heartedly, until such time he gets bored and buggers off again. And I am free to just ignore him, because — although he’s there — he’s not really doing anything, nor (more importantlyDestroying anything.

Finally… Somebody gets it — Nailed it. The fact niggles, but it’s more like a bored and petulant huff in the background that you can’t really take very seriously. I’ll take it.


#anxiety #helplessness #frustration #ptsd #trauma #despairing #dragondisappointment #alexithymia #exhaustion #pain #depression #asd #lost #fibromyalgia #paraesthesia #drowningfeelsPowered by Journey Diary.


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