For days… weeks(?)… I’ve been unable to say words in writing. My head aches at the mere thought of making sense of my Feels enough to attach actual words to them…
Dailyos haven’t been filled in (will have to do them retrospectively… Somehow… Using this log…). Even this Journey Journal hasn’t been used for anything much more than a LogBook.
I’ve found this to be a Notably Reliable Indicator of Depression. Not the bad kind… No. The Really, Really, BadlyFucked Up Kind.
What’s been happening over the past few weeks, along with the God-Awful bitter hopelessness of recent times, is ensuring my brain is being cemented into the Wonderland of my Mind… And it seems I am, once again, being packed up and flung down that Rabbit Hole, ready to be destroyed and torn to pieces all over again.
Chaos. Fatigue. Exhaustion. Grief. Confusion. The inability to process complicated Emotional Feels. Not enough time to process Complex Emotional Feels. It all just builds up and up and up, until I’m so completely and entirely overwhelmed…
I am done in… Distressed. Frustrated. Overwhelmed. Frightened. Anxious. Wound Up. Agitated.
I fear sleeping again. I’m not even sure if I know why…
I am am in such a physical mess… And not just the Fibro. Not being able to wash my body, or my hair, or engage in any proper self-care at all is heartbreaking. But it also has an actual knock-on affect in so many other ways, too. You cannwot get properly cleaned with wet wipes. You don’t get properly washed to prevent catheter infections. Taking all your clothes off properly means that heat rash, allergens, creams and oils, groom and backside areas get properly washed, rinsed and sluiced.
I need to get some kind of grip on it… Quickly. Before it become next to impossible to wrangle The Beast back without an all-out war…
I don’t know what to do with them. They’re scary and confusing. I can’t even make sense out of, or even try to unravel, them…!
Nightmare day before it even starts. Managing to get to sleep (as in longer than 2 hour naps), on occasion, now, but dreams still come. Disturbing, or weird, or… unnerving ones. When Mam comes to wake me up, sometimes it’s a little bouncy for my sensibilities, and this was one of those times, unfortunately. I felt rather… rattled — but this is actually quite unusual for me. I don’t think I’ve reacted this badly for a while. I didn’t really do anything about it; I explained it to Mam — or tried to, at least. I don’t think I made much sense. This day was already off to a bad and complicated, confusing start.
Then the dogs were screeching everywhere, and no one downstairs was stopping the goddamned Wackadoos. Once again, I talked to Mam about it. But she got upset, and it all rather went south from there.
Mam came up, and when I tried to talk to her (apparently “in the wrong way”… 😕🤔😞 Which, for me, is unfortunately more common than I’d ever appreciate… 🤨😒), she started getting even worse with the defensive, the frustrations, and the squeaky “up tones”… which always makes me upended and upset, off any even-keel, and unable to cope. Adding that to the state I was already in before, and how I felt after this morning, and it was a nightmare waiting to happen inside my brain.
This escalated into a Meltdown Situation — just about managing to stay on the right side of sane(ish). One which I kept precariously balanced on the knife-edge of Full Blown Nuclear Volcano Meltdown, all furiously bubbling away inside me. It felt like a six-tonne boulder, that I could barely keep holding above my head. One that was threatening to fall onto my head. I was actually physically shaking from trying to keep it in check… It was agonisingly painful, both physically and emotionally/psychologically. I managed, sort-of. It stayed out of Meltdown Mode, remaining in the pending tray instead. Keeping a grip on it, keeping it up off me. I still don’t know how I succeeded.
To make matters worse, my friend S (kindly, compassionately, clearly, and “safely” … this girl should get a Bomb-Disposal medal for executing this so perfectly…!) informed me she had accidentally opened up an Amazon package that had been holding my precious birthday present — The SSD for my PC C-Drive upgrade, which has been put to one side, untouched and unopened, until such time I am ready to be able to upgrade said computer system.
… Now, I realise it should already have been done — going to Caernarfon was a big mistake, and I should have stayed home to do up my Baby. Now, he’s buried behind random stuff and mess, and I can’t get at him, to open him up and change the drives. Not only that, but because of what happened there on that “break” away, and how I am subsequently feeling because of it, I’m also in no psychological place to safely make the “brain transfer” that my Baby needs, between my original 120GB and the new 256GB SSDs.
Technically, that sanctity of that Gift has now been sacrificed after this mistake, and the packaging of the parcel is an opened mess… No More “Untouched and Unopened”… None of that for me now, for my Birthday Present from S… 🥺😫🤯😓😥 My First Birthday Present from S, with her being here with me. But, instead of being shocked or frightened by it, I am soothed and supported into hearing it and comforted whilst processing it.
This might be the first time that something usually so… catastrophic… does not go off and explode like an IED in my head. I’m upset. I’m horrified. I’m Hugely under the shadow of the Dragon of Disappointment. It smacks me hard, and it’s pretty awful that this happened. However, as I explained, it brought the Dragon of Disappointment, yet gave it nowhere to land. There was no Valley of Terror, Panic, Shock, Trauma, etc, for it to land in. So, he’s kinda flying around there, half-heartedly, until such time he gets bored and buggers off again. And I am free to just ignore him, because — although he’s there — he’s not really doing anything, nor (more importantly) Destroying anything.
Finally… Somebody gets it — Nailed it. The fact niggles, but it’s more like a bored and petulant huff in the background that you can’t really take very seriously. I’ll take it.
Over-enthusiastic Gamer, Goth, Geek, Techaholic, Dabbling Writer & Blogger, and Raging Coffeeholic ~
Loves Gadgets, Games, Tech... And Coffee. Lots and lots of coffee.
~ Obsessively-loving: Dragon Age Series, Mass Effect Triligy, The Witcher Games, Skyrim Special Edition, Elder Scrolls Online, Divinity: Original Sin Series (amongst others!) ~
~ Self-Built Gaming Rig: i7-4970K, 16GB RAM, 128GB SSD, 1TB + 3TB HDD Storage, GTX 1070 8GB OC, 1150 ASUS Z97-A ATX mobo, Windows 10
... Oh, and did I mention I love coffee...?
On the surface, Anthem really does look like a Destiny family-member (or clone)… Gone wrong. But at least I did get to play Destiny… In reality — at least going by this experience — it’s a weak and badly managed, and the demo was a bad one indeed.
I have played 157 hours (over 3 characters) in Mass Effect: Andromeda now – and after all that time and 2 major patch fixes (this is v 1.06), this game is still… weird. For instance – expressive slowdown whilst on the main ship, The Tempest. Everything on there slows down – whether or not it’s […]
New graphics card. New Game. New Challenge: To get Mass Effect: Andromeda to run at 4K on reasonable graphics specs with just one little GTX 1060 6GB graphics card by NVIDIA, built and overclocked by ASUS: ~ PC ~ i7-4790K ~ 16GB RAM ~ GTX 1060 6GB OC ~ High/Ultra Specs ~ 4K graphics resolution~ […]
~ The Joy of Inability To Copy Over 4GB to USB ~ … And queue sarcasm radar to shatter into a thousand shards of agony… Note To Self: Always re-format idiot FAT32 format drives of all and any kind. Fancy having a system that can’t transfer over 4GB! What kind of world […]
I loved my Wileyfox Storm. I really respected their stand against general mobile phone manufactures. But now they have clearly lost the plot – and in this instance a once-loyal customer too. I literally got my Swift 2 Plus handset today (day of writing) and I can’t even get it to charge. Nor did it […]
Using Split Screen Safari in iOS 10 … Including how to get back out of it! Go To How To Geek And how to get out of it…! …to go back to a single Safari window is to tap and hold on the tabs button in either Safari window. Select “Merge All […]
With Mass Effect: Andromeda, it’s a tricky thing to handle when pushing 4K specs on a mid-level graphics card. It’s not a baby, but it’s not racehorse either. It’s getting to be an older rig now, with the high-end Devil’s Canyon Intel i7-4790K processor, 2x 8GB of RAM, Asus Z97-A board, and now a NVIDIA […]
NOTES TO SELF: Mass Effect: Andromeda is fun, exploitative, interesting, and has an immense amount of subtle Easter Eggs nodding to the original ME Trilogy. It even gives you a Space Hamster again – albeit and Andromeda one this time. What it is not, though, is stable. The NVIDIA graphics have been all over the […]