BlackOuts have been PREVAILING. They Dictate & CLAIM/STEAL My Time — obnoxious, overpowering, relentlessly unrelenting. Regardless.... I am SO SO SO Freaking DESPERATE to get back to my Normal... To Games. Writing. Website stuff and Graphic Artistry... Properly — with Choice, deliberation, passion and intelligence. BUT. There seems to be Very Little - or No - Point Wanting Anything — in wishing anything, planning anything... Nothing ever happens, or ever gets Done. My entire everything is DICTATED To by This ONE Damned Medical Condition & is fuelled by Everything that Surrounds It. I have VERY Little say - If ANY - in my own life existence. Lolli asked me last night— where did I WANT To Go? My answer... is STILL Pending. Where was good enough... Where was interesting enough... Where was fun enough...? Or anything enough? Enough to Suffer the sheer Distress and Stress it took to actually Just Go....? Let alone cope with doing whater it is you're doing. Truly... Where was Really WORTH going through the rigmarole, the bother, The PAIN, the STRESS, the Sheer Amount of Spoons & EFFORT it took to just Get There? What was Really WORTH the Effort just to get SO MUCH STUFF fixed, sorted, packed, checked AND to go though 3 checklists to make sure we have - & have done - everything we need [& to do] & have enough of everything required.
Blank Mess of Days
Posted on by delphinemusic in aggitated, Agony, anguish, anxiety, autistic, blackouts, bowel, chronic illness, Chronic Pain, Chronic Paraesthesia, confused, CPTSD, despairing, devestated, disability, disassociation, dismal, distressed, drained, exhaustion, fatigue, Fibromyalgia, frustration, grief, helplessness, Illness & Depression, inhell, Mental Health, mentalhealth, miserable, overwhelmed, pain, PTSD, ptsd, Stamina & Energy, stress, trauma, trauma, uncertainty, uncomfortable