Tag Archives: pain killers

Going Solo

Pain is exhausting… and troubling. It’s now my worst enemy, and today I am facing it alone.

I have an appointment with a physiotherapist to discuss Hydrotherapy today. In two hours. My cab is now booked, my appointment is for 1pm. My friend was supposed to be here with me to help – I am not anywhere near ready to go out somewhere alone. Yet today I must somehow do so. She has an interview today, a last-minute request for a job she wanted – in Wales. So she left yesterday to be ready for it this morning.

I have been alone so far for 24 hours – but that’s not really the problem. The problem is that having to do things myself hurts. Too much. Far too much. So I go without, I avoid, and I do not do anything that will make the pain worse. But today… today I have to do the exact opposite.

I must somehow manage to endure the pain and go to this appointment alone.

 

Solo Expedition

All Stressed OutI am daunted. Overwhelmed. Scared. I’m sitting here, with the Dragon Age Inquisition [PS4 game] launch window that plays the gorgeous symphonic theme music on a loop, over and over again. It’s comforting, soothing, a noise I know well and gives me strength and calm (operate conditioning: it’s how I feel when I’m playing the game, hence it makes me feel the same when I just here the music). I feel rather… trapped. Like a rabbit in a corner that knows it’s going to be done in, and is just waiting for that moment to come, trembling in that corner and just… waiting.

I have never been out on my own before – not since this happened. I don’t like going out anyway. Add this to the mix and I’m borderline terrified.

Somehow, I must prepare my own wheelchair, then get it out of the house (aka tiny flat that the wheelchair doesn’t really fit in) on my own, and over a rather tall hump where the front door frame is quite raised from the floor (I’ve tried getting it over it before, and it’s excruciating and such a difficult to do). Then I have to get it and myself out to the cab. Get in the cab and get to the hospital. Somehow then take myself in my chair all the way up to the physio department. Have my consultation. Then do it all again – backwards.

 

I can only prepare so much, but I’m doing so. I’ve taken Pregabalin, Devil’s Claw, and my joint pills. Just before the can is due I’ll take the 8mg co-codramol (I can’t take anything stronger). And that’s it. There is nothing more I can take. The rest is mental and emotional willpower alone. And my innate stubbornness.

I must try and remember this is no gauntlet compared to what else I have faced in my life and this awful pain I will endure will still be nothing in comparison… Although, that is difficult to remember whilst going through it all. But what is one more crucible when you’ve already had several?

 

It doesn’t help that I was already in a lot of pain this morning – today, the shoes my friend wanted for her interview came… after she left for it yesterday. They came at 8:30am – whilst I was still asleep. I realised it would be the shoes, so I gritted my teeth and dragged myself up on my own (I usually am helped to prevent so much pain), with my stick, and put on my dressing gown and went to answer the door. By the time I then got back to bed, I was in too much pain to sleep anymore or rest, but I couldn’t get up until I had psyched myself up enough to endure the pain it would take to do so.

I couldn’t make coffee and I had to wait until the Pregabalin kicked in… so I didn’t have any until way after 10:30am. It’s already been a nightmare day before it even starts.

Now I have my appointment to look forward to.

 

Uneasy Wait…
Soul on beanbag

Soul

Even Soul (the dog) can feel something is very wrong. He’s lying next to me whining and then trying to play with me, chew me (he’s a Staffie), rolling on his back with his little tail wagging madly, and licking my face, trying to cheer me up. Poor guy doesn’t understand why, but he certainly knows things are just not right.

My head aches, my mind burns, my bones ache. One coffee just isn’t enough… but choices must be made, and I must choose to not inflict more pain than necessary, if it is going to cost me more than I am willing to handle. If I am early enough, perhaps I can get something from the shop/cafeteria or whatever they have there (although, it’s not the best hospital for any services, least of all food – in fact it’s one of the most under-funded hospitals I’ve ever seen, and I’ve been to/worked in many).

It is now just half an hour before the cab comes. I must get everything ready that I can… And I really hope I am physically capable of doing this, even if it does inflict pain. As long as I am physically capable of this, I will manage… unfortunately, the reason I am going is that I am not physically capable of much and require hydrotherapy to support and strengthen me again (with less pain, thanks to the warm water). The idea is you go to hydrotherapy first and then do stuff like this, when you’re stronger. Not the other way around.

I said before Asperger’s and pain do not mix well together. Well, now they’re downright exploding like domino-effect multi-detonations. I’m about two minutes away from a panic attack and subsequent meltdown (hence writing this to calm me and make some sense out of it, and the repetitive gorgeous music from my joint-favourite game). I’m alone with no one to help me… well, no one human. And if I didn’t have Soul here to comfort me I would be in pieces without a doubt.

Now I must go and prepare… and pray that I can somehow make it on my own.

 

Focus On Your Strength

Focus On Strength

 

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The Pain Masquerade

I forgot to take my pills on time tonight… again. But this time they were really late. The agony was excruciating, and frankly made what I usually go through on a daily basis look like child’s play.

It was a waiting game to get any relief from taking the Pregabalin (4 hours late), and attempts to divert attention with watching something (which works when extra pain rears its head whilst on Pregabalin) cam to nothing as the pain simply continued to escalate.

The worst are always the electric-shock type ones that turn up out of nowhere and sear so sharply through my bones and/or joints that I either scream or can’t even make a noise at all it’s so bad.

I couldn’t breathe. That was the worst part. Not only does the pain not allow me to catch my breath, but it doesn’t allow ke to breathe  the pain within my lungs and ribs are astronomical, leaving me struggling to expand my lungs at all without extreme pain. Add the rest of the excitation to it, and it was a nightmare mix  I couldn’t even cry properly… The pain was enough to bring a stream of tears, but I couldn’t cry. It’s always just too painful. It was hitting a high-9, or maybe a low-10… And soon, it would be way beyond that.

Victim or VictorThe only relief there was to be had was being given 2 (big) shots – gulps – of cognac that was in the cupboard. After a few minutes to get it into my system, it dulled the pain enough to breathe. It took some of the worst of it off, although it really didn’t take quite enough of it off to get me back to my normal level of pain (about 6/7 on the 10-scale on an avarage day… Without Pregabalin it’s about a 15… and maybe then some).

It took about 2 hours for the Pregabalin to sink in. Even afree about 3 hours+, the pain hasn’t gone down below a low-8 since – thanks to way over-extending myself in a foolhardy attempt to do housework chores. The incident has once again driven home just how important Pregabalin is, since without it my life absolutely wouldn’t be worth living anymore – nothing is worth enduring that much pain.

It’s also made me quite acutely aware of just how much it hides. Clearly the Pregablin conceals the pain. It does not treat, and it’s not even a painkiller. It’s a neuropathic medicine, used to – effectively – treat, or trick, the brain directly. But not cure. Whatever is causing the pain is still there… Even the pain itself it still there… It’s just that the pills stop my brain registering it so acutely.

Even with the Pregabalin, excess dynamic behaviour can hit me at a 10+ … I’ve tried to walk to much (when I could), or (now) I’ve pottered about the house too much, or even sat in my chair for too long. Or it’s simply just cold. These times, a “10” is a blessing as the pain shoots right of the scale and rockets into the stratosphere.

Each time these incidents happen, your “10” seems to become that much higher… After all. When these things happen, the “worst pain you’ve ever had” – the very definition of a “10” – becomes higher than it was before. The next “10” had to be even more than that. After a while, and after your pain scale carries one getting higher, your threshold gets higher, and sometimes you wonder how bad it really is, given your pain endurance has become enough to make you immune to some pain, and maybe you’re hurting yourself more than you realise with some things, because you’re used to having so much more pain than avarage.

Look for StarsBut then when you live with long term chronic pain, or Fibromyalgia, it seems that everything just causes such an extreme amount of pain it’s unreal. However, it also still seems that the same thing happens – your pain tolorence appears to be rising when it comes to your interpretation of the pain scale.

No matter what is causing the chronic pain, you know the pills are just masking the problem… and that no one knows how to really stop it. Cure it. Unlike with pain killers, I can still feel the pain somewhat with the Pregabalin. It’s just… dulled. A lot. Like after having lots of alcohol – your brain kinda registers it, but it’s kind of far away at the same time. Sometimes it seeps through more the others. Sometimes it can’t mask it very well at all… Like the pain in my joints. It’s rubbish at helping me deal with them, so I need Devil’s Claw (as well as a vitamins/cod liver oil combo) to help to that. It does make my quality of life better though, and incidents like this continue to remind me of that.

Right now, even with the Pregabalin, I’m in pain. The alcohol finally wore off… and I’m hitting a good 7-8-ish on the pain scale. I still expect it though, because of the effort I put into trying to make the house look like a house, instead of something resembling the aftermath of Katrina. On the other hand, I’m not sure how much the incident before had an effect on me in relation to this.

I guess all I really know is that it’s 2:15am and I hurt a lot. And I’m strangely hungry. Maybe the munchies from the cogniac. Alcohol has always made me hungry..

I get the feeling the worst of it’s over now, at least. I hope I do not make the same mistake again… It’s always a nightmarish wakeup call to be reminded in such a vicious way just how much these little capsules you have to take change your life, because without them you really would just give up on life and simply die from unbearable agony.

At this point I don’t care whether they just mask the pain… Just as long as they actually do.


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