Anxiety & Chaos — The Antithesis of the Aspie Mind…

Anxiety and Chaos rules my mind. It feels like it's been long buried under mountains of agonising pain, sorrow, grief. Fibro-Fog, medication, and more and more Chaos and Anxiety. I can feel my mind still there, calling, struggling to be freed, to be heard... yet, there seems to be so little I can do about digging it back out.

Lost…

  There's often  the question posed when someone has to deal with chronic illness, one that appears after some time has passed, which is, Who am I?  In this case, I feel that everything that I have ever identified myself with has been taken from me. The list covers everything that I've enjoyed - leaving me …

Never-Ending Nightmare

  I cannot even explain how exhausted I am. Meltdown after meltdown – horrific ones – just don't seem to ease, running into each other, causing complications that cause even more... It a nightmare that doesn't seem to end. Pain, confusion, exhaustion, [on top of my usual] fatigue, disorientation, pure terror. All apparently starting from …

Keep Sane… Keep Going…

I would have expected that after more than two and a half years I might be used to this by now... the pain, the exhaustion, the enormously excessive fatigue, the lack of mobility, lack of focus, lack of concentration, lack of my usual ability to fixate obsessively... but I am not. I find that I …

Wonderland

Annie sang about "Tomorrow". Everyone talks about "Tomorrow". Everybody waits for "Tomorrow". It's "only a day away"... Right? But what if tomorrow never comes? And if you think is has, it's probably just an illusion. One that shatters really easily as soon as you let your guard down. When you're vulnerable to attack. I thought …

The Pain Game

I am unable to focus. Unable to think. Unable to feel... except the pain. There is nothing but the pain. It's been  around 914 days since it started. About two and a half years. All that time where nothing else has mattered. I used to be "me"... but now there's nothing but the pain. My …

Illness More Than Pain

ILLNESS MORE THAN PAIN ALONE IN THE DARK Helpless. Hopeless. That is how constantly being ill makes me feel. Just... like I'm nothing much at all. Like I'm empty, pointless. I am so tired, drained - like I have nothing left. There is the problem that these times of illness trigger the chaos in my …

A Chrysalis To Butterfly…?

So... The dark cloud descends again. I wish that it would find a hole to crawl in and stay there. But it won't. It's just decided to come back again - taking away that sense of myself that is already so fragile anyway. I feel like I am losing a lot, and its simply losing …