There Should Be No Shame…
But… There. Is.
So. Much. Shame.
I can’t work. I can’t breathe. I cannot seem to stop it running around in my head. Depression, Panic, Hopelessness, Despair… All claiming me. Claiming my attention. I cannot relax. I can’t even take a deep breath — both literally and figuratively.
This idea has burned up my brain. Shaking, Shaken, Shame, Horror, Sickened Disappointment, all running rampant, until now I can barely move, I’m so frightened.
I read today on Twitter one single Tweet that stuck in my mind, saying:
“If you’re living with this illness and functioning at all it’s something to be proud of, not ashamed of.“
Every Hacker, even every kind of Fighter, knows it takes one tiny flaw, one minuscule hole or weakness in the armour, and you can wriggle in and destroy what you’re going after. My armour was nowhere near strong enough to take this. It was new, vulnerable, still setting in its place. I am not sure if I ever even had a glimmer of a chance to survive such an onslaught of horrific demons and emotions from that one simple curse laid upon me.
My mind feels… Dead. Hopeless.
I’ve been trying to play Skyrim. No avail. Between my head’s cacophony of daemons, and the dogs’ constant barking (which dad ignores until I yell at him over text to fix), I’m in Emotional Hell. With Alexithymia and ASD. Meaning, I got no way in all hell’s universes of getting through this or managing this alone.
The constant barking screams it all home — if I was OK, if I wasn’t trapped here, if my legs worked, they wouldn’t be barking. I’d be there, telling them what to do until they figured out it wasn’t in their best interests not to make a peep. Dogs hate lectures. A lot. They love huggles and praises. So, it works like a charm to lecture their ears off, and they really think hard before doing it again. (Go on try it…!)
Queue: Hatred, Resentment, and Breaking Inside Till I Shatter & Die. Because I am not a good Mother. I am not a Good “Dog Owner” (hate the term). I am letting my babies down by not being there enough for them. All of this right now, once again, just Feels Wrong.
Not “OK”, like it did before. Like I fought so hard to feel. No. The horror inside I endured for nearly 5 years is back again, and doesn’t seem to anything but cruelly relentless and suffocatingly strong.
Utter Shame. Overwhelming Resentment. Clawing & Churning Despair Inside. Extreme Self-Hatred. Suffocating Feelings of Pointless & Being Troublesome. Disturbing Thoughts of Death.
I got them all to go away. I chased them out… But they apparently only got as far as a holding pen outside of my consciousness. And a fickle one at that. Now Queue Dragon of Disappointment to come and join in, and sit on my head again. All having a party in my brain, destroying it like it is a hotel room and it’s the band’s last night.
I’m trapped inside it, being tormented by it all. Imprisoned in my head, as well as everywhere else.
I’ve done this. I’ve done this before, and I’ve gotten away. I’ve done this before… so, so many times
… So, why do I have to go it again…?
#depression #quote #drowningfeels #suffocatingfeels #trauma #ptsd #imprisonedfeels #fibroplegia #lost #fibromyalgia #dragondisappointment #despairing
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