Tag Archives: fatigue flare-up

Beginning Of the End (of the year…)

Already yet another Fibro/Fatigue flare-up… and just before Yulemas (as in Yule / Christmas). And just when I want to see Star Wars: The Last Jedi, too…

More fever, more pain, more exhaustion: I’ve been up all night for days, I’ve barely slept in nearly a week. Needless to say it is not going well. It’s a good thing I have my new mattress and catheter… I know exactly how much worse it would have been if I didn’t have those.

The worst feeling is that I still cannot reconcile how much absolute control this/these condition(s) have over me, how it dictates my personality, how the pain and exhaustion prevent me from even leaving my room or sometimes even my bed. During a flare-up I can do virtually nothing, and it seems that no matter what precautions I attempt, they’ll turn up whether I like it or not.

So you might not be surprised to know I would rather Yulemas disappear and I couldn’t care less about it this year. I can barely muster the energy to even want to see The Last Jedi  and I’ve been so excited about this for two years. My friend and I were supposed to go to  Christmas thing at Lyme Park too, and after a whole load of flare-ups, one after another, after another, that now is too off the table, amongst many other things. It better not take Star Wars away from me…

There’s so much I had plans to do, now it’s Yulemas, nearly the end of 2017, and I’ve  achieved precisely nothing from this year (unless you could finally finishing PC edition of Dragon Age II…). Instead of achievements, it’s been yet another year of loss. Even losing my best friend to a year or two travelling around South America (although, bless her, she still makes sure she’s there for me if I need her).

The weather has destroyed so much of my health (whatever flimsy amount of it there was), everything from severe storms and torrential rains, to terrifyingly low isobars and bloody snow. Plans have been destroyed. I lost the remainder of my mobility this year.

It’s been quite the Annus Horribilis.

And I doubt it’s going to get any better in its final week.

 

 

Advertisements

Unchargable Me

I really hate these flare-ups… Is it just Fibro, or is it more? I’m just so exhausted I can’t think straight, or even at all, anymore. It makes me so ridiculously ill, so tired and drained, so unable to do anything, not function at all.

I am lost inside it. Numb and dead inside with nothing more to give.

Drained Fatigue. Exhaustion beyond all comprehension. Exacerbated paraesthesia or neuropathy.  “Buzzing”. “Paraesthesia pain”. Severe internal temperature fluctuations, like when one has severe fever or flu. Bad Palpitations. Severe Nausea. Blackouts. Inability to wake up. 

Emotional fear. Scattered mind and thoughts. Inability to comprehend even basic things. Even less capability to remember things. No focus at all. Unable to do just about anything. Left with vacantly watching rubbish on TV because can’t focus. High Distress. Depression. Severe Hyper-Anxiety. Terrified – of everything. Overwhelmed. Barely able to move. Unable to function. 

All I do are the basics. Less than the basics. And yet this is still what I have to live with – that and so much more. It doesn’t seem to matter that I try and do as little as possible… I still end up feeling so awful, so drained, in pain. If I try and do more than nothing, then this… thing… punishes me relentlessly, by making everything so much worse.

This makes it so completely horrible, unmanageable, un-livable. I am unable to do anything I want to, and that’s not because I’m in so much pain or can’t walk. It’s because I am so very too exhausted to do anything. There are things that can be done to control pain, Fibro… well, to a certain extent, anyway… but there seems to be nothing to combat inexplicable and extreme exhaustion that’s so bad it makes you pass out. Might not be too surprising that coffee is barely of any use whatsoever, either. So there’s nothing at all to combat it. You really do just “have to take it”. Without a single antidote to be had to help at all.

Sleep does nothing. “Rest” does nothing. How can you even “rest” when everything all around you confuses and terrifies you? When you’re so anxious, so distorted, so “zoned out”, so unable to function whatsoever… how can you really “rest”? It’s like I’ve got a broken health bar… or one from Dragon Age: Inquisition… It just doesn’t regenerate at all. And I’ve got no potions to bring it back either.

Taking me out of the game, for as long as its there. Or maybe, quite possibly, for good.

 

 

 

 


%d bloggers like this: