It’s reportedly the best weather of the year, running between avarages of over 25º in the north, to well over 30º in London and the south. It’s gorgeous outside here.
But I’m stuck indoors, curtains closed, because I’m, well, rather broken.
My pregnant sister is out with my father and my own dog, walking in the gorgeous forest around here. Unfortunately, I can’t even make it to the bathroom without a lot of help from my mother… which is great when you’re well over the age of 30… and I struggled a lot even with my three-wheeled helper up here.
Waiting for this chair is becomming borderline traumatic. It’s beautiful warm weather. I can’t go anywhere, do anything, see anyone. I can’t go to the doctor, take my dog for his vet checkup, go out in the sun, can’t see friends, get my own groceries or go shopping, can’t go to the cinema to see a movie I’ve been waiting almost a year to see…
Best of all, it means I can’t go anywhere even within the house now, either. Temporarily, at least (I hope).
Because of circumstances, I’ve ended up with (at my best guess, anyway) neuropathic inflammation in my lower back, leading my legs to become completely useless. Simply put, it’s like they’re paralysed because the information to and from my brain is not getting through, so it can’t understand I’m trying to get them to move.
I liken it to perhaps trying to yell to someone who’s far away – and being too far away to hear you. Or maybe think of a cell phone connection, where it’s one bar but it goes off and on, more off than on, and then it cuts out, so the other person can no longer hear you anymore.
The strange thing is, some of it is on way-way traffic – I can feel some “sensation” (though it feels weird) on contact, but no pain and what I feel is… “distorted“. It’s so odd I don’t even know how to describe it. Unfortunately, the upshot is that I can’t get any information down to my legs. So dead they be for now. Offline. Yey.
In all hope, the inflammation will eventually die down and they’ll come back online again. Hopefully without damage or long-term issues. But for the now, until that happens, I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do.
I have no idea how to manage things without the ability to walk. So far today I have struggled immensely, going to the bathroom has been a nightmare, and after trying to go downstairs for a while, I almost diddn’t make it back upstairs because I could not manage to get up off the floor and find a way to the stairlift. Those who have to do this permenantly are insanely brave and clever, but they do have wheelchairs that don’t try to kill them with pain.
I have to admit I’m a little scared… Certainly concerned about this evening and tomorrow. Even if it comes back, I’ll now fear this could happen again. It would be my worst nightmare… but then with a tiny taster of it, I also realise it really wouldn’t be the end of the world, not with the right tools to deal with it. It changes everything, but it doesn’t utterly destroy it. Other things achieve that far more than just not being able to use your legs. But I never ever want it, and I am desperate to make sure this flareup doesn’t remain.
My mum, who’s becoming quite proficient in making essential oil recipes to use for massage oil to help with all my various symptoms, is working on trying to get a strong anti-inflammatory concoction to help fix it, and get things running again. I hope it works, even if its just a little. Right now, it would be closing on impossible to manage tomorrow, here on my own – or at the very least just with my dad. It took two of them to help me today to get around.
Essential Oils Recipe (Anti-Inflammatory)
We’ll see whether it works… I’ll hope that something happens.