I am in a fugue… A Haze… A Nightmarish Dream. It does not ever seem to get better… But – I do not think I can say anymore that I am doing everything I can about it.
Meaning…? I was thinking yesterday about why the past was always so present, why my mind seemed always to be there – when I had, in fact, spent a lot of time and effort getting “into” being HERE and embracing it.
But.. Then I realised that was Before the Ococcusses. It dawned on me that I was still tormented by it, disturbed, distraught… Traumatised. The Social Worker & OT Bitches, The Rosalind C**t, Then Frikin Screaming and Screaming and Screaming all day, everyday for goddamned WEEKS, before finally being dragged into hospital, only to find out I had not one but TWO deadly bacterial blood infections that could have killed me already.
And then… The Aftermath. I lost all everything entirely from the sternum down and became entirely reliant on my hands and arms in a way I hadn’t had to be before.
My shower at home was so unsuitable for me now, it was beyond dangerous for me to be in it. I spent nearly two years in goddamned Agony because I couldn’t have a shower to ease my Fibro, essentially ensuring that I was Room-bound and Housebound from then on.
I did nothing. Spent an absolute FORTUNE on hotels rooms at the Premier Inn & Travelodge to try and have sporadic showers, when the pain became FAR too much to bear. In the end requiring an extra 50% dose of Morphine in my meds 4x Per Day, over 2 doses, effectively having to take Morphine 8 times a bloody day for AGES (that stuff is disgusting, and it was entirely unnecessary). Then, the pain from the spasms and rock-hard spasmed muscles all over just became more than too much, bad enough that not even the Morphine could mask it much any longer. It was just unbearable, and moving became optional… and occasionally so did even Breathing.
To say this was all beyond distressing, over a very long period of time, after having been discharged from hospital after a very close call, would be the Understatement of the Year. I had full-blown PTSD about this, As Well. As well as from being left undiagnosed and untreated, as well as from losing my job and my career, as well as being thrown here, from London, on Zero Notice. On top of what I’d had to endure as a child.
So… Now… I am left in this… Fucked Up Limbo of Hell. Me being here, stumbling over where I have somehow ended up, with all its confusing and terrifying turmoil… And on the other side… There’s my Mind, all the way in the past of 6 years ago, in Leyton, before this all happened. When I could still walk, had my career, my life, my home, my London…
I tried being Present & Accepting before… Then the Occocuses turned up and tsunami-ed absolutely everything away. Leaving nothing behind. Nothing…
I am starting all over again. But I cannot deal with that – that is far too much to deal with. I do not WANT to look around me and Really See what is going on here. I do Not Want to be like this, in this way – so Helpless & Vulnerable…
And Yet, Ironically…
Doing Just That… Would actually turn the tables on so much of that. To be Present, In Control, Pro-Active, Planning, Calculating, Being Within My Own Power & My Own Mind Palace… Wouldn’t that be an efficient and acceptable Patch Fix on what cannot otherwise be changed?
Core Code may be set in stone… but why put up with the severe glitches of the old & worn foundation, when a Patch Fix can be applied to compensate & help the program do what you need it to do?
You Just Would… Wouldn’t You…?
This is… New Thinking. Just came into my head now. As I was writing. But… It makes more sense, doesn’t it? See, this is why I Just Hate Bloody “Feelings”. Emotions are such a waste of bloody time! They just confuse everything and get in the way of common logic.
~ No wonder the NTs screw everything up all of the time…! ~
I am here. I have to be here. I have to try harder & Not Be Afraid of All Of This that’s going on.
Change is horrendous & frightening. Disaster… Well, that is mind-blowingly horrifying & Terrorising.
As if… The Server was hijacked and destroyed. Now… the arduous task of reclaiming and re-purposing it for something else. For more. For something that has to be done & rebuilt from scratch. But… It’s a Server. It’s hard work, grafting, with hard thinking & communication within the brain to face and solve difficult or troubling issues — Freezes. Crashes. Not Booting, or Rebooting…
But slowly, yet most assuredly, it’s rebuilt once again, then the systems and software are installed, then the data it holds is slowly put in. And eventually, the data held starts talking back, all of it fully installed and able to do whatever you tell it to do.
This is… Troubleshooting…! When did **I** not know how to sort out Troubleshooting…?!!??
I was the QA Queen – it was my job, my soul, to be the best at Troubleshooting. My Work, My Life, I saw a problem, and I went head on at it to fix it. Right now… I do not know where that person is…
But she’s seriously letting me down here at the moment.
#anguish #dentist #grief #exhaustion #fibroplegia #devestated #dragondisappointment #helplessness #drowningfeels #despairing #aggitated #frustration #concerned #crushingfeels #dismal #fatigue #distressed #drained #feels #fibromyalgia #disaster #asd #anxietyPowered by Journey Diary.