I just got the news from Walton [hospital] that they have downgraded my GPs referral from “Urgent” to “Routine“.
What the damn hell is routine about being disabled so much you can’t even go to the bathroom on your own sometimes??
It’s a minimum of 20 weeks to be seen – that’s four months from February. So June or July if I’m lucky. That’s because of the lovely 18 week waiting rule in NHS England, and the lack of neurologists in Wales.
This is not damned well Routine. It’s life-destroying. It’s taken everything away from me, and what – do I now just give in and finally complete one of my suicide attempts and succeed this time? Because it looks like I’m never going to get anywhere with these people, and I refuse to live my life like this. This is not a life. It’s barely an existence. It’s barely anything. It’s not right.
This is ridiculous… I don’t understand why they can’t see this is unnecessary suffering? Ignored in London and now ignored here… Have I no hope of ever being taken seriously in my life?
I don’t even understand why I have to contact two hospitals (I had to call Bangor about it as well, who were bemused at the downgrade) and then ask my GP to send a “letter of Expedition“… when she’s already marked the original as “Urgent“. Coming in last because I’m Welsh or because I’m an Aspie? Hmmm??? As always, is that what they’re thinking again? “Crazy girl”? They should be treating me with more care because I’m an Aspie, not like this. There’s nothing to help me nor protect me. Nowhere I can go for help because there isn’t anywhere.
I’ve emailed something called NAS Denbighshire and Conwy Branch – and lord knows if they’ll be of any help.
This is not just a marathon, this is walking through the Fires of Hell once again. I’ve been through the 9 Circles of Hell and here comes another one. How many are there really?
I’m almost pretty much ready to give in. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I’m sick and tired of other people fuelling this depression I have inside me, unwilling to accept that without their prejudice and unkindness, I am a perfectly OK person who just wants to get on with things. I’m not looking for attention… I’ve been bloody avoiding for decades – am terrified of medical and healthcare professionals, and unable to trust them as fas as I can see them.
I am devastated. Crushed. And dying inside…. again. But what more can possibly done? Believe me, if I had a few grand stuffed down the back of the sofa I’d suck it up and take myself off back to London, to The London Clinic, and get my answer there and then. No more 4-6 months waiting lists.
I’m just dead inside. I’m just… numb.
There’s nothing left in me now. I’m just to sit here and rot, it seems, because there is no one anywhere that can seem to help me, and that includes myself. I can’t even seem help myself.
For the first time in my life… I can’t seem to help myself.