I am unable to focus. Unable to think. Unable to feel… except the pain. There is nothing but the pain. It’s been around 914 days since it started. About two and a half years. All that time where nothing else has mattered. I used to be “me”… but now there’s nothing but the pain.
My average day ranges from a “good” 7 to a horrible 10+. If it’s really good, it might go down to a 6.5 – if I’m really lucky. Basics are hard, or impossible. Even typing is a strain on my pain barrier… making things like learning code or playing with a Linux system difficult or impossible even if I could think straight. I have to live in a world where I’m classed as… OK, I can’t say the “D” word. It’s where you’re incapable and industrialised – where you need things to help you, but they look like an institutionalised little old lady threw up on them.
I used to do yoga. I used to sing. I used to dance. I used to read books like my life depended on it – all kinds of them. I used to watch movies. I used to work. I used to do a lot of things. Now I do almost bugger all. There is so little that I can do. The pain, lack of focus and current memory problems (thanks to the meds) are pretty crippling, both physically and mentally. I wouldn’t mind so much the lack of movement if my brain could work… but it doesn’t. On good days I take advantage, but there aren’t many of those.
The worst is not being able to play games nowhere near as often as I would prefer. Games help clear my head, help me think, help me analyse, help me relax, help take me away into another world. Having that taken away from me is quite the last straw. To add insult to injury I also can barely hold up my iPad anymore (the iPad  Retina weighs nearly double the newer iPad Pro/ Air 2) – meaning reading and writing on it are getting impossible, and I do not like using a stand (don’t ask, it’s a long explanation…).
To be frank (and to use colloquialisms) it’s “messing with my head”.
I am particularly convinced there are many ways to deal with and combat this – but the fact I am unable to work out precisely what any of them might be is leading to making me feel constant depression and heightening anxiety. I want to do all the things that I can realistically do – a little basic yoga, coding, gaming… but I do not know how to control the pain or my response to it. And my response to it is not especially good.
It does not help that this causes more physical complications… otherwise generally known as “psychosomatic” symptoms – where anxiety and fight-or-flight hormones become effectively toxic and cause “stress-related illness”. I have enough going on without having them too. The pain is like a cruel and sadistic captor, keeping me hostage with its games and strange punishments… and sometimes I wonder if I’m beginning to experience Stockholm Syndrome – just doing as it says all the time, not thinking for myself or making my own decisions. Actually, no – I’m pretty certain I have it.
Stars may shine with darkness, but I do not. I am a prisoner of the pain and I am not strong enough for this. I have already been through one gauntlet and I thought I had come out the other end. Am I still in it, or is this a new one? Either way, I feel twice my age, exhausted and tired of life. I am tired of the pain. I am tired of being tired, and of being entirely emotionally drained. I cannot be that person who shines in adversary – not now. It was hard enough the first time, now I’m just too old and tired to manage it again.
I am lost.