The Pain Masquerade

I forgot to take my pills on time tonight… again. But this time they were really late. The agony was excruciating, and frankly made what I usually go through on a daily basis look like child’s play.

It was a waiting game to get any relief from taking the Pregabalin (4 hours late), and attempts to divert attention with watching something (which works when extra pain rears its head whilst on Pregabalin) cam to nothing as the pain simply continued to escalate.

The worst are always the electric-shock type ones that turn up out of nowhere and sear so sharply through my bones and/or joints that I either scream or can’t even make a noise at all it’s so bad.

I couldn’t breathe. That was the worst part. Not only does the pain not allow me to catch my breath, but it doesn’t allow ke to breathe  the pain within my lungs and ribs are astronomical, leaving me struggling to expand my lungs at all without extreme pain. Add the rest of the excitation to it, and it was a nightmare mix  I couldn’t even cry properly… The pain was enough to bring a stream of tears, but I couldn’t cry. It’s always just too painful. It was hitting a high-9, or maybe a low-10… And soon, it would be way beyond that.

Victim or VictorThe only relief there was to be had was being given 2 (big) shots – gulps – of cognac that was in the cupboard. After a few minutes to get it into my system, it dulled the pain enough to breathe. It took some of the worst of it off, although it really didn’t take quite enough of it off to get me back to my normal level of pain (about 6/7 on the 10-scale on an avarage day… Without Pregabalin it’s about a 15… and maybe then some).

It took about 2 hours for the Pregabalin to sink in. Even afree about 3 hours+, the pain hasn’t gone down below a low-8 since – thanks to way over-extending myself in a foolhardy attempt to do housework chores. The incident has once again driven home just how important Pregabalin is, since without it my life absolutely wouldn’t be worth living anymore – nothing is worth enduring that much pain.

It’s also made me quite acutely aware of just how much it hides. Clearly the Pregablin conceals the pain. It does not treat, and it’s not even a painkiller. It’s a neuropathic medicine, used to – effectively – treat, or trick, the brain directly. But not cure. Whatever is causing the pain is still there… Even the pain itself it still there… It’s just that the pills stop my brain registering it so acutely.

Even with the Pregabalin, excess dynamic behaviour can hit me at a 10+ … I’ve tried to walk to much (when I could), or (now) I’ve pottered about the house too much, or even sat in my chair for too long. Or it’s simply just cold. These times, a “10” is a blessing as the pain shoots right of the scale and rockets into the stratosphere.

Each time these incidents happen, your “10” seems to become that much higher… After all. When these things happen, the “worst pain you’ve ever had” – the very definition of a “10” – becomes higher than it was before. The next “10” had to be even more than that. After a while, and after your pain scale carries one getting higher, your threshold gets higher, and sometimes you wonder how bad it really is, given your pain endurance has become enough to make you immune to some pain, and maybe you’re hurting yourself more than you realise with some things, because you’re used to having so much more pain than avarage.

Look for StarsBut then when you live with long term chronic pain, or Fibromyalgia, it seems that everything just causes such an extreme amount of pain it’s unreal. However, it also still seems that the same thing happens – your pain tolorence appears to be rising when it comes to your interpretation of the pain scale.

No matter what is causing the chronic pain, you know the pills are just masking the problem… and that no one knows how to really stop it. Cure it. Unlike with pain killers, I can still feel the pain somewhat with the Pregabalin. It’s just… dulled. A lot. Like after having lots of alcohol – your brain kinda registers it, but it’s kind of far away at the same time. Sometimes it seeps through more the others. Sometimes it can’t mask it very well at all… Like the pain in my joints. It’s rubbish at helping me deal with them, so I need Devil’s Claw (as well as a vitamins/cod liver oil combo) to help to that. It does make my quality of life better though, and incidents like this continue to remind me of that.

Right now, even with the Pregabalin, I’m in pain. The alcohol finally wore off… and I’m hitting a good 7-8-ish on the pain scale. I still expect it though, because of the effort I put into trying to make the house look like a house, instead of something resembling the aftermath of Katrina. On the other hand, I’m not sure how much the incident before had an effect on me in relation to this.

I guess all I really know is that it’s 2:15am and I hurt a lot. And I’m strangely hungry. Maybe the munchies from the cogniac. Alcohol has always made me hungry..

I get the feeling the worst of it’s over now, at least. I hope I do not make the same mistake again… It’s always a nightmarish wakeup call to be reminded in such a vicious way just how much these little capsules you have to take change your life, because without them you really would just give up on life and simply die from unbearable agony.

At this point I don’t care whether they just mask the pain… Just as long as they actually do.

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About delphinemusic

Over-enthusiastic gamer, geek, techaholic, dabbling writer & copy editor, and raging Coffeeholic ~ Loves Gadgets, Games, Tech... And Coffee. Lots and lots of coffee. ~ Obsessively-loving: Dragon Age, Mass Effect, Skyrim, Elder Scrolls Online, Fable, Divinity: Original Sin ~ ~ Successful gaming rig builder: i7-4970K, 16GB RAM, 128GB SSD, 1TB + 3TB HDD Storage, GTX 1060 6GB OC, 1150 ASUS Z97-A ATX mobo, Windows 10 ~ Trying to learn about Linux... Emphasis on "trying"... Including Fedora, Ubuntu, Mint and Raspbian ~ ... Oh, and did I mention I love coffee...? View all posts by delphinemusic

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