What happens when you can’t really take that walk? Actually, what happens when you can’t really even take the pills?
It’s taken 18 months, but now I really am feeling like my body is becoming a little wasted – it’s weak and overly-stiff, difficult to move. Maybe it has something to do with my dreams, being overly-aware of enjoying the sensation of moving about within them. Maybe it makes me feel my lack of mobility all the more acutely. But whatever the reason, I really am feeling it now.
I am overly-aware that lack of movement weakens muscles, and weakened muscles causes lack of movement, and then the whole snowballing spiral thing starts with no end in sight. That was why physiotherapy was invented… but it’s not really useful when you’re not getting any.
I want to just get up and walk. Back straight, shoulders back, head up, strong legs, no pain, good gait, arms swinging at my side, going for a coffee, being relaxed and pain-free. Like when I’m dreaming.
I continuously forget that I can’t move. I end up hurting myself because I keep doing things without thinking. I want to stretch and walk. Perhaps bounce, maybe occasionally a little skip. I want to just clip the lead to the dog and wanter off down the road. I want to go on the bus, walk up the stairs and sit at the front of the top deck and look at the world from up there… I’m barely scraping 5ft tall when I breathe in and puff my hair, but in the wheelchair I’m pretty much half of that, so I like being tall on top of a bus.
I really miss walking. It’s something you just take for granted. Even now, it’s still easy to forget, and I try to do things that I can’t, then I fall over, or hurt myself.
I would definitely rather walk than take a pill.
Maybe one day that choice will be given back to me.