Fragmented… Scattered… Chaotic…
It feels like the hard drive in my head has had its entire system wiped by a virus. Another nervous breakdown, another existence of knowing nothing. It’s like everything that was before is gone. I have no inclination anymore of how to be, how to live, how to do the most basic things in life of existence. It was never easy before, but I stumbled along and did my best — but whatever I learned then seems to have gone. Wiped away by the virus embedded into my code. Code I have no idea how to re-write. I certainly have no idea how to restore it, or if that is even possible.
As always, I can do nothing right. No one wants to be around me and my “insanity”. They don’t understand that I just don’t understand. That I literally don’t understand anything. I’m smart, yet it’s like I can’t do anything that’s simple. Those same people then wonder why I keep to myself and write or play games. They blame me for not being interactive… But how can I? I don’t know how to. I don’t understand what people are saying or what they’re doing, what is expected of me, or how I’m supposed to respond — it’s like they’re speaking a foreign language, behaving in a foreign way and I don’t understand their strange custom Despite the fact I want to learn all about it, they don’t want to teach me. They resent the fact I don’t instinctively know. They just think that I should just know it, and that’s that. As if they would think it were that easy, if they were dumped in the middle of Japan and yelled at for not being completely fluent in the language and sociology of a radically different country.
Simplistically speaking, I feel like I’ve gone from having a badly designed and glitchy OS (think MS Windows Vista or 2000…) with lots and lots of basic patch-fixes that basically do the job just about, to having everything wiped from it altogether. A nervous breakdown, acting like a virus, has come in and simply imploded my brain, and essentially wiped everything from it. No backups, nothing. There’s nothing left except a very basic Safe Boot which barely functions. It wasn’t like I was doing all that well before — it was always difficult to manage to just be alive, to live, to pretend to be normal. I hardly managed all that well to begin with, but I struggled by… Just about. But now… Now I’m reduced to nothing. Nothing but tears and loneliness.
I have no outside help, and the tiny handful of people close to me are no longer interested. Just angry and resentful. Hateful. Nasty. Impatient. Cruel. As they have always been. I have always been the one on the outside — blamed, sent away, thrown at so-called professionals (the useless gits that they were) to try and “fix” me. Of course they didn’t. They just labelled me and gave me medication in the hope that I would go away. Only it’s 20-odd years later and here I still am — only worse. Still self-harming, suicidal, and amazed I’m still here. On willpower alone, because I sure as hell am not getting any professional help. I’m sure the waiting lists only exist to try and see how many survive long enough to get the help they require… To see how many throw themselves off bridges in desolate desperation to escape the horrific hell of their existence…
I say existence because this is not living. It is not living to be frightened of everything, to be confused and overwhelmed by the simplest things, to have a complete breakdown by the smallest things that completely terrify you. It is not living to have severe depression, crippling agoraphobia, constant terror, social phobia, awful chronic pain, people who are supposed to be your family being resentful and hateful to you, people who were supposed to be your friend vanishing because they don’t understand. It is a hell that was never supposed to be on earth. One I want to stop, and one I’m getting weaker and weaker to the power of making it stop. I’m not sure how long I will have the ability to say no to the lure of the amassed pills that I have to deal with my incessant pain. I don’t want to… but how long can someone live like this without hope?
I don’t want to be like this. I want to get back all that information I lost. Like having to re-code all that data again… Not that it was much good in the first place. It was a basic, ill-written and glitchy set of patch-fixes on a crappy system. It’s probably best I pretty much have to start from scratch, but no one wants to help. I need the correct data, and they won’t provide it. Instead, they get angry, frustrated, horrible, tell me they hate me and want rid of me — because they don’t understand. They always come back at me with: why don’t you know this already? I can’t deal with all your crazy shit — all your questions, I can’t answer them! Leave me alone before you make me go crazy too — sucking me into your mad world!… Well… Why is it OK for them to be left alone and not me? Why can’t I know what they know, and why won’t anyone explain? Why won’t they tell me and let me be like them? Why should I be left like this, when all I want to do is learn how to be like them and live in this heartless, cold, and confusing world?
I need relevant data to be able to process and analyse things — with the relevant data, I can start putting together whatever I need to “code” the correct responses to things. With the right help, I could do this. Using the right information, I would then be able to strategise what the best outcome would be for relevant situations, like I used to. No, this does not come naturally. That’s what I get asked. The answer is simply NO. I wish they would listen, accept, and understand. Throughout my entire life I have worked very hard to try and collate the relevant information to gauge the correct responses for given situations… It’s been a difficult and exhausting task, filled with immense fear and anxiety — especially since I rarely get the output right, because I’ve never really had the correct data. I have tried to emulate the best I could, but any gamer knows that an emulator is always a poor substitute for the real thing. It just doesn’t work as well, and is likely to fail and disappoint. Just like I always did.
The cold, hard fact is that I do not, and have never understood the world in any other way. Until I understand things intellectually, I essentially return an error code or a null result, which is not helpful, and it’s scary when you don’t know anything. Imagine waking from a coma with amnesia in a country you have never been in, and with everyone yelling at you for not knowing anything, for being stupid and pathetic and asking questions because you just don’t know — you don’t know where to go, how to get there, how to behave, who to talk to, how to speak to people, how to interact or deal with things, how to understand their answers or what they mean… If you close your eyes and really imagine that for a moment… Now you have a good idea how how freaked out, terrified, overwhelmed, and confused I feel. Except I feel that I’m not in the wrong country — more like I’m on the wrong planet. I don’t understand people, and they don’t understand me. And no one wants to help translate or navigate this strange world, either. So I’m on my own — and slowly, it’s killing me.
I am severely depressed, frightened, need help… but all I’m getting is the backlash from people I thought cared about me, who just say I’m crazy and yell at me a lot. Resent me. Hate me. They want me to somehow magically understand everything on their terms, and give me nothing in return. What about my terms? How come I do not get any say in this? Why am I the one jumping through everyone else’s hoops? They don’t want to understand me or help me. In fact, they don’t want me to be me at all. They just want me “fixed”, as if I’m some kind of problem. My whole life, it’s been made abundantly clear to me that it’s not OK to be me, and then they wonder why I just keep to myself and don’t want to have anything to do with anyone else.
The chaos of it all makes the screaming in my head never stop… Like white noise, static, or maybe a huge crowded room filled with the loud hum of talking people— it’s just noise, like screaming, screeching, random chaos that makes me melt-down completely into a complete wreck, begging for the chaos and screaming to stop. Normal noises seem echoing, piercing, echoing through my head, through the chaotic noise, making it worse. I even seem to hallucinate awful smells… It’s like my brain has completely lost all ability to process everything. A CPU meltdown with little processing power left, let alone parallel processing. I can’t even do something, any activity, and talk at the same time — to be honest, talking at all is difficult… it’s like all the words have gone from my brain (although when I’m writing I have no such difficulty).
I’m scared. Confused. Vulnerable. On top of all this I’m also in immense physical pain from something I am unaware of. Whatever it is that is causing it, it is something that is making my existence excruciating. It is this pain that finally forced the breakdown… the virus. It’s one thing trying to juggle this existence, running patch-fixes on everything and essentially holding it all together with own-brand value sticky-tape. It’s another thing when this screaming agony sears into your brain from every cell in your body from your head to your feet, one that never goes away and never gives you a break. Then there is nothing left of your brain after it implodes to deal with whatever ruins of it that is left.
I’m on waiting lists. That’s it. No help given to me whatsoever. Just put on waiting lists. I can’t even take helpful pain meds — I can’t have any that are of any use because my system reacts badly to them. Anti-inflammatory painkillers could make me haemorrhage, and strong opiates give me delusions and mild psychosis. Those that I do take give me nightmares, so I can’t take them within at least 4 hours of bedtime, so I can’t sleep either from the pain. The pain keeps me awake until the early hours of the morning, until I’m so exhausted I pass out. Which also can result in horrible nightmares too. So it’s all win-win, really…
I am at a loss as to what to do. I’ve lost my job, my life, my sanity, my hope, my friends, my family… I am alone, in pain, scared and confused. Six months this has been going on, and now it’s really getting to me — the hopelessness of it all is leading me down a path I never wanted to travel down again. The one of despair, hopelessness, and despondency is the worst and darkest to travel, and it is one you always walk alone. Loneliness is one of the worst things to feel, and right now I feel the loneliest I’ve felt in a very long time.