Monthly Archives: May 2013

A Chrysalis To Butterfly…?

So… The dark cloud descends again. I wish that it would find a hole to crawl in and stay there. But it won’t. It’s just decided to come back again – taking away that sense of myself that is already so fragile anyway. I feel like I am losing a lot, and its simply losing yet another battle in a war that can never be truly won. I now have no job, I feel constant pain, I’m exhausted and ill… I’m wondering when the good stuff is going to turn up.

I’m trying to do new things instead. I’m not sure exactly how well they’re going – but I hope for success in the end. This is hopefully where my stubbornness is used for good instead of evil… I can’t help but feeling I’m deliberately being stripped of everything I thought I once had and wanted (and I admit I didn’t really want all of them – the job, the life, etc; it just wasn’t ‘me’) – but at the same time I had some stability, security and understanding of the world through them. Now they’re going or they’re gone, and I’m not left with much. Maybe it’s to make room for better stuff, or at least different stuff. Maybe they’ll be things that will be more truthful and fulfilling to the life I really want… Who knows. It’s just a shame the pain, or dark cloud, isn’t something that’s also being taken. I could live without them.

At this moment, it’s hard to see the wood for the trees, to see hope or care about anything. That’s what the dark cloud does. That’s what falling down the rabbit hole is. It’s a dark world that doesn’t make sense, and strips away everything you thought once did. It comes for you when you’re vulnerable – when you’re tired, low, alone, and floundering. It helps you drown, and there seems to be no way out – no way to stop it from happening.

I feel like I don’t know anything anymore – everything that was once comforting to me, in its familiarity at least, has been taken away. Even hope right now seems like a distant ideal; something that can’t be grasped or even imagined. I’d like to think my life of being a caterpillar was coming to its end; simply that the chrysalis is being prepared, to wait for the natural phenomenon to occur and metamorphoses to be complete. To do so, I leave things that a caterpillar needs behind for the cocoon stage, only to pick up what I truly need after, when I have grown to become the butterfly.Pretty Butterfly

… A flight of fancy, maybe. A nice little image to cling to. It would be nice if it was true. Of course, I don’t know that it isn’t true. But nice things don’t tend to happen to me. I’ve struggled always; nothing has ever come easy… So you’d think I should be used to it by now. Except I’m not. I’m downright tired of it. It is tedious to have to struggle for everything – even the simplest things that people should be able to take for granted. Like breathing, or walking, or eating. And if I’m supposed to learn something from my trials and tribulations, then the point is lost on me. I try not to think too much about it, put my head down, gather my courage, and keep on going through the storms. If I do try and think about it, I start falling apart. I’m tired of doing that, too. I write to try and get it out of my head and out of my heart – so the morose feelings can be given to the ‘page’ instead of letting it live in me.

At the very least I would like the hope to come back. The dark cloud keeps chasing it away; I wish it wouldn’t.

 

 

Not A Challenge

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Lost

I feel lost… Everything I thought I knew wasn’t really to be that way. I feel like I’m at an impasse – nowhere to go, no clue where to look, and fear that I might not find it. I have an unshakable faith, almost a blind hope, that somehow the answer will come… from somewhere. Where…? Maybe only God knows – I cannot imagine it myself. But I know I cannot lose it. That is when that awful Darkness comes and leaves me virtually the walking dead.

I feel like I’ve been left with very little to break this surreal-feeling of this strange impasse. I don’t know whether I am even in this ‘negotiating party’ of it – I rather feel like I’m being left out of the loop of whatever is going on here. Each day I feel I wake up to nothing but pain and confusion; feeling like I’ve been hit by a truck during the night, with all parts of my body feeling at best achey and at worst in agony – and also with no idea what I’m supposed to be doing with my day. I feel I have lost some direction here, and what I thought I wanted to do isn’t really what I wanted to do at all, it turns out. I have little interest in it, little care for it, and in a strange twist, I’m stuck with it.

I was supposed to work for this company on a large project, and part of the contracted deal was to go on this course – a rather expensive one. It was supposed to be a career move, so I took the deal for less money because they would pay for the course. Unfortunately with just working days 2 days to spare before the end of the first month, they decided the whole project team should immediately go on the spot (decided on a Friday morning, the project was to be disbanded by the end of the day) because they had changed their minds about the project.

So, because it was within the first month, I was not only left with any payout for being ‘terminated’ (as if I was fired for negligence, when it was they who decided they simply didn’t want that damned project now), I was also left to cover the bill for the course, thanks to a cleverly-written loophole in the contract. The agency kept on at me from the moment the ‘termination’ was called for the money to be repaid, and they suggested so blithely that they just take it away from my pay. Which would have left me with almost no money to live on at all. These slimy toads I had to spend ages to convince finally accepted I would pay by other means – which I did a few days later. Lets just say I’m lucky to have an incredibly generous family.

However, this has now left me without employment, stuck taking a course – that’s been paid for by my family now – which has no relevance to my life anymore, because the point of it was to learn it for that specific project. A project that now is gone. I have no other interest in this course at all. It is not what I wanted to spend such money on, nor spend my time doing. Without the practical application in work that I was to have, what I’m being taught means essentially nothing to me – I find it difficult to do the work involved with it, to understand the work involved, and I find it almost impossible to care about it. It is not what I imagined doing with my life – I feel coerced into it solely to secure the job… and in hindsight I probably should have turned the job down. Clearly.

 

Now I feel lost. And unemployed. Let down by cold, corporate greed  and ruthlessness – by both the company I worked for and the agency that wrote the course into the contract in such a way I would be burdened with paying for it and going on it for the next 2 1/2 months, in my own time, with no idea exactly what they’re talking about – and virtually no interest in working with it. I’m trying not to resent it. It’s hard. But if I did start to, the Darkness will smell the fear and desolation from it and come back for me, to live in me again, no doubt.

I have enjoyed working in IT – but the corporate dictation of the companies leaves me cold. Even with non-profit and charities, the word on everyone’s lips is Money. There is no care in there for anything else. I’m not that kind of person. I don’t want to work just so others can create money, and for those who are so afraid to spend it they do it at others’ expense. Contracting brings it home even more: you are nothing but an expendable commodity, and we will expend you for our own sakes if required. They save themselves first, and you’re not even considered. This is the second project in a row I’ve worked on where the work and the data has been for nothing in the end because the project closed. I’ve wasted nearly a year of my life creating something that will never be used, never be seen; results disregarded. My work has been for nothing. This is not gainful or enjoyable employment – this has ended up being nothing but paid-for pointlessness. I got my money, delivered something – but that something was disregarded and ignored for reasons only the heads of these departments and organisations know. That was not a success. I have not experienced success for many years… Now I feel like this is not something I can continue to do much longer.

I hope that I will be able to turn a corner, work out what to do as this junction. It feels like everything has simply stopped. I no longer know where to go – where I’m supposed to go. I’m also trying to avoid the Darkness – if it comes back I really am going to be lost. I’ll keep hoping and praying the answer will come – and that it might be soon. I wish that I’d had the opportunity to put that much money into a course I really wanted to do – some from of writing would’ve been the best. I realise now that data analysis can’t really be for me – it’s company-directed, and it’s always only about the money. Not the work. I need do be doing something where people care about the work – the ‘fruits of their labour’ – and not just what money the company is getting out of it, or putting into it. I want to be somewhere where people are passionate about the work they do, where they’re good at it, and the production of work counts for something – not just discarded and ignored.

 

I’ll  have to carry on with that course. I still have my proofing/ editing course to finally finish up, which will hopefully be soon. Maybe that will lead me to something. Maybe together they will lead me to something… ‘God works in mysterious ways‘ and all that. I know that happens – I’ve experienced it before, and I’ve realised it in hindsight if not at the time. I hope and I pray… Perhaps something I could never have imagined come from this. Because I’d hate to look back and see that all this confusion and pain was for nothing.

 

 

No Idea About Life

 

Insecurity & Coffee

 

 


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