Losing control… I would say that would be a fair understatement of where I’ve been for quite some time now.
I’ve been convinced by the demon in my head that I cannot exist with or without it… The twenty-odd years of 24/7 brainwashing has worked and I think I cannot shake this conviction from my heart. With its departure from most of me, my life seems empty… I am, I think, in effect grieving for the loss of it. I don’t know how else to explain that nauseating feeling of loss, and feeling very rather lost since I’ve taken its reins and banished it from controlling my life.
Its ghost is there, in the background, telling me I’m nothing without it, and I do feel that. Its been there since I was a young child of eleven. Possibly longer without my knowing it. How do I possible define myself now a prominent part of me is suddenly missing? I have to suddenly go out and actually find out what’s left and build it back up to be a whole person again… A tough task when you’ve made a dent into your thirties. After decades of fighting for survival against the demon, against trauma, against the world, the most taxing thing in my life is ensuring BT and the landlord get paid on time, and maybe what game I’d like to play. And nothing really intimidates me anymore – I’ve seen worse – the worst – and survived to care about nothing more important than whether I prefer Mr Muscle or Cillit Bang (… read it properly…!) … Its a different world. And frankly I do not understand it.
I find myself overwhelmed with this task of managing a “normal-ish” life, whilst also failing to understand how people find it taxing. There’s nothing big to worry about… Its probably why they invent “problems” like “am I skinny enough???”, “can I ‘have it all’ and still be skinny”, “I can’t afford to go to Florida AND Australia this year…”, or “oh dear, I can’t choose the best nursery for my little darlings”… After going to Hell and back, I do not understand how people can be so intense about making these frivolities “problems”. Me, I get confused why it matters and why I’m supposed to take precedence with things that – the grand scheme of things – matter not one whit, and is nothing you’ll be thinking about when its time to follow the light from your deathbed.
In the middle of all this, I also know that am not “normal”… I am internally battle-scarred and rather hardened, carrying cynicism and little sympathy for others who fall at even a minor hiccup. I do not, and I am not going to, play by these daft and pointless rules of society’s “pretty” existence – I’m not interested, as its barely a facade that keeps itself together. People go out of their way to live up to imagined expectations (I mean who made this “perfection” crap the “law”…). I cannot do that, and I will not – cannot – play their silly games. I’ve been through too much to feel such things can possibly be so important that they make you miserable. Find out what real misery is – then maybe you’ll have something to say that’s worth your whining… It may sound cold to anyone who hasn’t faced trauma or real hard times, or someone who hasn’t looked death in the face and then turned their back on it. But that is how it feels when people who don’t have it so bad go on about things that don’t really make that much difference in the long-run of life.
In the end all this makes me feel like I’ve totally lost control of myself and my life… And to be honest, like I never had it in the first place. It – the demon – has controlled me almost my whole life, and I have done some awful things to grasp some of that control back, but I never succeeded. I still feel lost; scattered to the breeze like I have been crushed into so many pieces I have no hope of being put back together again. Without my “arch enemy” to fight, I feel my life has lost purpose – that is has no other purpose… And, really, it doesn’t. Everything in my life as been governed towards fighting it. I thought being its mistress would lead me to peace – instead it leaves me feeling empty and without focus.
I honestly don’t know what to do without it. In gaining control of the monster, I seem to have lost control of my life.
It was very far from what I expected.
I suppose you should be careful what you wish for… It might just happen…
Now that it seems to have happened, its not the outcome I wanted at all. And I feel lost…